My therapist wanted to know if I wished to be with a family during the holidays. He’s aware that mine is not an option but what if there was a different family with a manageable level of dysfunction that I could be with on the holidays? Would I want to be there? First off, I don’t celebrate the holidays so the answer is no. My distaste for the holidays has nothing at all to do with not having family to share it with, second of all families in general bring up fear, distrust and shame. I’m truly afraid of family settings. Even if I know in my heart no one is going to be hurt I’m still on guard. I’m still watching each and every person around me. I even hang with the kids not because it’ll be more fun but sort of as their protector.
The better time I have at the family gathering the more I’ll crumble later.
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