My therapist wanted to know if I wished to be with a family during the holidays. He’s aware that mine is not an option but what if there was a different family with a manageable level of dysfunction that I could be with on the holidays? Would I want to be there? First off, I don’t celebrate the holidays so the answer is no. My distaste for the holidays has nothing at all to do with not having family to share it with, second of all families in general bring up fear, distrust and shame. I’m truly afraid of family settings. Even if I know in my heart no one is going to be hurt I’m still on guard. I’m still watching each and every person around me. I even hang with the kids not because it’ll be more fun but sort of as their protector.
The better time I have at the family gathering the more I’ll crumble later.
Once I leave a family gathering where I enjoyed myself I crash for several days. I was just in the presence of children that weren’t afraid of their parents. As a matter of fact there was some acting out and they weren’t beaten then passed around so the next family member could have a turn. They weren’t sitting perfectly and the adults don’t seem to mind. After I leave all this goes through my head and I wonder how my childhood existence could be so different?
At one particular gather I went to the children had their own table to eat at. It was a smaller table, round and it sat close to a larger dinner table where the adults sat. They were watched over but not part of the larger adult group, not part of the adult conversations. That separation was interesting to me because as a child there was hardly ever a distinction between adult and child until of course one of the kids fell out of line and was violently reminded of their status.
My cousins and I were part of all meals and all family gatherings equally. We were part of adult conversations and took part in them on their level. I can’t think of a time when we were just kids who didn’t need to be involved in the discussion of so-in-so’s marriage or this and that person’s fling. We sat there and listened as well as commented on everything from drug use, prostitution and legal sexual activities. We discussed gambling, drinking and anything else normal kids didn’t. Sometimes these subjects come up. I have no problem with them but I’m not certain they need to be discussed in vivid detail with a group of kids 10 and under in the room.
At one family gathering my mother’s sexual talk was so explicit that her sisters had my cousins leave the room. My sister and I sat there while the mother went on and on. There was no separation between child and adult there or at home. When I see it happen with other families I’m not just shocked by it but physically pained. It literally hurts my stomach to the point of doubling over. When I see happy kids hopping around having fun, doing childish things I feel happy for them but I also feel afraid, confused and like I need to run away. I begin to doubt that I’m seeing things as they are. Is this real? Am I where I think I am? I begin to doubt reality which puts me on edge even more.
Families are too hard to deal with right now so even if it were a gathering not related to holidays I still wouldn’t want to go. Families scare me. I’m not at a place right now where I can safely take the step to be with them during their gatherings.
Ours was one family that didn’t ever need to get together as one unit. We proved that sad fact each and every time we did.
J of A
Family Gatherings - Sunday, December 27, 2009 – 7:16PM EST
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