Monthly Archive for December, 2009

Page 2 of 4

DREAM: The Great Flood

Published on December 18, 2009 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

My sister and I were in our mother’s bedroom together. She was looking for something but I had to use the restroom. I went to my mother’s private restroom to go but when I flushed the toilet it began to overflow. At first I didn’t panic I just flushed it again in hopes it would correct itself. Three times I flushed it and each time the swirl went faster and faster and rose to the top faster and faster. I was somewhat intrigued by the swirling which is why I flushed it continuously. Soon I realized it was useless and that not only was I standing in water but so was my sister by my mother’s bed.

The dream then changed so that instead of the toilet overflowing the water bed began to spill all over the floor foamy white water like a bubble bath.  Just like with the toilet, the leak started out slow then got completely out of control. We searched the bottom of the bed to see if there was a valve but we couldn’t find one. The sister jumped on top of the bed to the headboard but the water came out so fast we couldn’t see anything. When I got up there to see for myself I noticed above the headboard was a private storage area of all our personal belongings. There were dolls and toys, boxes and boxes of them stacked around this storage compartment. I wanted to stay and look around but I knew we had to fix the leak before the mother got home.

Continue reading ‘DREAM: The Great Flood’

Chatter

Published on December 18, 2009 in Mental Health and PTSD. 0 Comments

Little Knock Kneed AussieSometimes I exhaust myself with my intensity of emotions. I think my adrenal glands have 2 settings, dead and full force. Lately it feels as if I’m either depressed or overwhelmed. If for some reason I’m at the middle ground it only takes a slight change to make me hit over drive. I don’t know.

Since I’m still tossing my cookies so much I decided to try and keep meals simple. The other day I ate ravioli with no sauce and grilled chicken. The ricotta in the ravioli was wet enough to make the little meal moist. It was actually pretty good and I got it all down and kept it. I’m trying to keep it simple but having culinary arts in my blood makes simple difficult. I try not to yell at myself if I lose it.

This morning I slept like a log. It was restorative sleep and much needed. Right now it’s 7:01am. I should have been in bed hours ago.

Continue reading ‘Chatter’

Ornamental People

Published on December 17, 2009 in Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dehumanize and PTSD. 0 Comments

Dr. D said the three figures look “creepy”. I said they’re not creepy, they’re ornamental. They’re the type of people the three of us kids were made into but were never shown as such. We were made to look like pretty little pictures, ornaments, that you could hang on a tree to show you have good memories. The true people we were inside, tired, angry, beaten down and stunted would have never made it on a tree.

http://www.sundrip.com/journal/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Ornamental-People.jpg

Therapy discussion: My marriage,  roommate called me drunk, questioning old tapes.

Media: Ink and pencil on paper sketched during therapy session.

Slashes In Color

Published on December 16, 2009 in Anger, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dehumanize and PTSD. 0 Comments

All I’ve wanted to do is draw and paint. I’ve done it non-stop for hours. My anxiety level got high enough that I figured a PRN was in order so I took one. I’ve been willing to do that lately.

Sometimes I feel okay but other times a flash of rage hits me and all I want to do is slash myself. Instead of self harm I start putting color on paper. This is the type of emotional out pour that caused me to use up all my paper last time. I’m ready this time though because I bought extra. That was horrible having no paper. It was as if a major coping skill was suddenly missing.

Three Art Therapy Pieces Continue reading ‘Slashes In Color’

On Being Average

Published on December 14, 2009 in Abuse, Letters Home, PTSD and Relationships. 2 Comments

I know… well I fear that each time I’m going to vomit then sleep for hours, then get up and go about my business as if nothing happened at all. I wonder if I’m ever going to be normal in this way or if it’s always going to be like this. How do I know what’s normal and what’s not and how do I know if my mother was lying or not? At this point does it even matter if the way I was raised was a lie since it is so ingrained in me? Does it really matter if it was a lie or not since I treat it as truth?  It’s as “natural” to believe it as it is to open my mouth and give up dinner.

I have so many questions and even a young girl’s giggling curiosity.

Continue reading ‘On Being Average’

Your Face On TV

Published on December 14, 2009 in Depression and Soapbox. Closed

Dear Family Member,

I am utterly humiliated that I saw your face on television arrested for such dangerous behavior. I am sickened by the comments I see on Facebook and in the newspaper about what should be done to you. You should go to jail. You should lose your job. You should be stripped of this, that and the other, etc, etc. I am totally appalled by your behavior and like others who have had a family member’s face put on TV wish this to. go. a-way.

Continue reading ‘Your Face On TV’

I Can Fix You

Published on December 13, 2009 in Abuse, Soapbox and Stupid People. 4 Comments

I was at Walmart which automatically means this entry is filed under soapbox and stupid people. In the pet section I stood trying to decide what to get for Bella when this stupid woman looked at me and said, “Ya know, I do hair.” Usually I’m assertive as well as a smart ass and can come back quickly when someone decides to be stupid, but I’m extra sensitive about my hair. I wrote the entry about my mother wanting to have me get hair surgery so that my hair would look as good as my sisters. I also mentioned that I was required to wear my hair long. It was long but it wasn’t as thick as my sisters thus the need for Bosley hair reconstruction. Argh! So, growing up being told my hair isn’t good enough kind of has me a bit sensitive about it. Well, this is the second time in a store that someone told me they could fix my hair and the second time I quietly said, “I know I have bad hair.”

Continue reading ‘I Can Fix You’