Monthly Archive for December, 2009

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Peppermint, An Analytical Discussion

Published on December 12, 2009 in Art, For the Record and Humor. 19 Comments Tags: .

This is how my mind works, when I become obsessed with something I think about why, so here’s the break down of why I think I’m so obsessed with peppermint. Speaking of peppermint, which from here on out will be called Food of the Gods (FOG)…every time I go to the store in this season it’s all around me. There are entire isles dedicated to FOG’s. There’s peppermint taffy, peppermint and chocolate, peppermint hard, soft, long, short. There’s peppermint for my coffee or tea. It’s everywhere. Why are they torturing me this way?

What if Beauty were to enter a store and see nothing but cake everywhere she turned? Chocolate cake, lemon cake, strawberry, red velvet? Every single isle she went down there was some sort of extraordinary cake perhaps even with roses on them. Could she concentrate or would she be thrown off her shopping game? I think she, like me, would slip in her own drool. She may even slam her bread to the floor, walk out of the store and vow to never return. But the draw is too strong, she, like me, must return. There in lies the problem, what is the draw? Why am I addicted? What deep seeded psychological illness need keeps me up at night pacing as I hear the Food of the Gods call my name in the wintry night?  My rosy cheek is pressed against the chilly window as I longingly look into the bitter night of cold. Auussstinnnnn….Auusssstttiinnnnn. I hear you my love. ……..Alright, I think I’m okay now. You don’t need to know my filthy peppermint fantasies.

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Self Talk

Published on December 12, 2009 in Depression. 0 Comments Tags: .

You’re going to be just fine. If you need to start your day off with a few tears then do so.

Remember that your to do list doesn’t say it all has to be done today. Split it up, do what you can and ignore the inner voice that tells you just how much you’ve let things fall to the way side. That voice isn’t important right now If need be, make fun of that voice. Tell him he talks funny.

Get a good meal in you and maybe even eat it by the window. If you can’t afford fresh flowers on your table remember you’ve got art skills, paint ‘em. Painting a flower a day might even be helpful.

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Winter, S.A.D. and Global Warming

Published on December 11, 2009 in Depression, Medical and Mental Health. 4 Comments Tags: .

At the bottom of my entry I mentioned that I have a few symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I realized a few years ago that it was kind of creeping up on me. The symptoms are very much like that of depression but usually show up stronger during the winter season. It’s your typical list of symptoms:
* Depression * Hopelessness * Anxiety * Loss of energy * Social withdrawal * Oversleeping * Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed * Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates * Weight gain * Difficulty concentrating and processing information.

The depression, which can feel like that of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder depression is the type that drags you down so low you just can’t stand it. I literally walked around the house asking myself why I was so sad. It’s a deep, deep sadness that you don’t believe will lift. You spend a lot of time trying to figure out what’s wrong but there’s nothing specific to point to saying, this is why I feel so hopeless right now, this is why I wish to die. I kept trying to figure this out, am I harmonal? Am I, like my other family members, going through the change early? They all started around 35. I’m 38 years old. Could it be that I’m going through the change and that’s why I feel so out of control with emotions? I’m not certain but the one thing I do know is  a month ago this out of control feeling started which is also when it started getting colder. Now, several years ago during the colder months I put in full spectrum bulbs as light therapy and it helped my depression.

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DREAM: Tear Down This Emotional Wall

Published on December 11, 2009 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams and PTSD. 0 Comments

*sexual content*
Dream from Thursday morning 12-10-09

The dream started out with me sitting in the living room of the last house I lived in with my mother. There were 8 people there, 4 on each sofa which faced one another. We were discussing what to do while the mother was out of town on a two week Christmas vacation. I’d set up a rotation of friends to spend the night while she was gone and she wanted to know who it was. I began explaining it to her when she interrupted me and told me I didn’t clean underneath the sofa. I was rather irritated and told her, “You mean to tell me you’re going to respond to my house cleaning by pointing out what I didn’t do? That’s what you’re going to focus on, the one thing I didn’t do?” In the dream I’d cleaned the entire house, washed the windows, cleaned the oven and refrigerator. Her only comment about the house was that I didn’t clean under one sofa. I was seriously irritated.

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Short Fuse

Published on December 10, 2009 in Depression, Mental Health, Relationships and Soapbox. 3 Comments

For some reason I’ve spent the vast majority of the day on the verge of tears. I have no idea why but they’re just behind my eyes. I can feel them waiting to spill but they don’t.  I thought about how hard it was to keep my dinner down tonight and was a bit peeved that a nice dinner ended up in the dog’s bowl. I thought about all of this as I walked into the kitchen to fill my one gallon water jug which I keep back here. When I got in there I saw Senior left his plate in the sink floating in water with food all around it. I asked Senior to move his plate but he only giggled and told me to move it myself.

Austin: No, I don’t think so. It’s dirty and wet. It’s got food floating in the water. I don’t want to touch that.
Senior: Well then move the strainer from the other side and use that side.
Austin: No, that’s filthy too. I don’t want my jug to even touch the sink.
Senior: Laughed.
Austin: I’ve already fucking abandoned the kitchen because you’re so fucking filthy.

(At this point I was watching myself curse him out which has only happened two other times since I’ve been here. I could see myself but there was no effort to stop.)

Austin: It’s bullshit that you can’t even clean up after your damn self. It doesn’t make any fucking sense what so ever.

I stormed off back into my area.

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What Were They Looking For?

Published on December 10, 2009 in Humor. 1 Comment

These here are a few of the most recent search engine terms to come into my blog. Beside them I’ve written my response.

F**king anxiety – this has shown up several times in the last few days. I’m not sure what that’s about but it sounds like something I’d say.

Girls in the box – I’ve seen this several times too and have no clue what it means. I’ve never been in a box but there was that time I spent in the closet.

Dog loud breathing smacking lips snoring – Yup, that pretty much describes Gus.

Crowned knot – um, okay but I’m not certain I’ve ever mentioned book making on my blog.

Is people watching a disorder – Yes, it’s called voyeurism and is illegal in most states.

Dog belly button – …… speaking of disorders.

Poems about eyes and acupuncture – If you find any let me know. That sounds kind of interesting bordering weird.

What to say to annoyingly positive people – You start out by letting them know the statistics of their disorder. They’re not alone; 1% of the human population suffers from the delusion of happiness. Let them know that if they try hard enough they can be as bitter and unhappy as the rest of us. They’ll try to get you to see the bright side but remind them after a month or so their anti-happy medication will help them see just how hopeless things really are. They should set their sights and standards low and always expect the worst. Once they abandon this so-called positive attitude the emotionally challenged and morally bankrupt will accept them into their fold. If your lack of support is done properly your sick friend will eventually depend upon, perhaps even look forward to being part of the crowd that goes home to black and white TV and a half gallon of ice cream. If they insist upon their happy course of action know that you failed yet another person in life. Why did you even try?

My favorite find of the day:

Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

What Were They Looking For? – Thursday, December 10, 2009 – 3:56AM EST

People Watching

Published on December 8, 2009 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships and Therapy. 4 Comments

I’m a people watcher and I’m rather observant, maybe even insightful but when it comes to interpersonal relationships I’m at a total loss. I knew awhile ago that basic human behaviors confuse me when they apply to me but I recognize them for what they are when I see them applied to others. For a long time it annoyed the heck out of me that Blossom use to fix my buttons and straighten my collar. A therapist once told me that women tend to do that, they tend to fuss over their mate that way. I always thought it was because she thought I wasn’t perfect and needed to be fixed. When I saw women in public do that I immediately recognized it as mating behavior, if you will. But when applied to me I saw it differently. It took someone telling me that Blossom was simply doting over me not implying that I’m imperfect. How did I get that message so screwed up? Because I was in the equation and I see myself in a different light and figure others see me in the same filthy light.

In a conversation with MeMe I had my first hint that giving Junior back rubs isn’t normal platonic behavior.  Then I was kind of curious so I brought it up with Birdie who had a “okay then” type response. So today in therapy I mentioned it to Dr. D who responded with raised eyebrows.  Normal people may say, Okay Faith that’s obviously NOT typical platonic behavior of two people that live together. Please remember I’m not normal when it comes to boundaries.  After talking to these three individuals it occurred to me that I’m giving a message I don’t intend to give. He asks and I do it, period.  It took me looking in from the outside to see it clearly. I even had to think of two different people because once you toss me in the equation everything gets fuzzy.

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