Dr. D said my unconscious mind is process a lot right now. Right now my dreams are shorter and to the point. A few of them are long and twisting which is normal for me but those have been few and far between. Recently the main theme of my dreams has been vindication and self protection. On one level I’m pleased to see my dreams aren’t always about me being hurt in some way but on the other hand I’m still exhausted when I wake. I still feel as if I’ve run a marathon but didn’t cross the finish line. If feels as if when I go back to sleep I’ll start at the beginning and exhaust myself, the next night I’ll do the same thing, on and on an on never reaching the finish line of rest and rejuvenation which sleep is supposed to bring. Whether it’s nightmares of “positive” processing I still feel worn out!
Note: In this dream I lived in the house form the 4th grade, however, like in most of my dreams I was an adult. My mother stays the same age in my dreams as does my brother. The brother stays 3 years old and the mother stays around 35 years old. My sister ages as do I which means in this dream I was thirty-eight.
Continue reading ‘Processing Dreams and Running Marathons’
This dream is absolutely significant because in it I established myself not only as a woman but as a lesbian.
My mother HATES women more than she hates men. I was told growing up just how horrible women are. She told me women are backbiters and angry bitches who will do their best to tear you down. She said we are untrustworthy and are used by men who only want to have sex with us. Once men “get a hold” of you and “get inside you” you belong to them. You can never “get them out” of you. She said sex with men made you a defiled whore. Most of what I heard about women was worse than what I heard about men. Never in our conversations did she tell me that I could be different from the women she described. Nope, I was pretty much given in detail the kind of person I was going to be simply because I was born female. Trust me when I tell you it wears on the psyche and causes even more turmoil for a person trying to find herself. Everyone goes through the stage of life where they try to figure out who they are as a person then who they are as a man or woman. Add in the horrible description of both sexes and it makes self discovery a greater task than climbing Mount Everest.
Continue reading ‘Dreams Mothers and Sexuality’
Here it is, the little spot in my house that holds the vast majority of my art supplies. I tend to arrange and focus on my supplies when I’m in a creative slump like now. Argh! It’s killing me!!! This happens from time to time. I can’t seem to draw or paint anything of substance. I can’t see the lines, the shades, light, nothing, nada, zip. It bugs the heck out of me but stressing over the dry spell has always proven a waste of energy. I just have to wait it out. While I wait I”ll arrange and rearrange my supplies. NEVER when I’m in a creative free for all will you see my supplies this organized. So here they are, photos of my little area where art happens.
Continue reading ‘Where Art Happens’
Most of these are based on anger and feeling overwhelmed and taxed. One in particular has to do with Bella being sick yet again. There’s one I like to call basic or primitive which is the box with the three colors around it. It shows how shut down I was feeling after a nightmare written about in my sketchbook. One drawing shows a woman hanging from a tree. There’s a house in another tree and they’re surrounded by bright colors as her body is picked over by vultures. I have no idea where that came from but I do know I purposely made it all bright and sunny with a very dark theme.
Some of my anger issues have to do with the loss of a friendship which I cherished. I’m quite angry over that and wish it hadn’t come to such a senseless end as it did. There’s confusion and concern for why I can’t seem to keep my head on straight at home right now. Also in the drawings are a few dream themes of things morphing from one thing to another. I think the one that stands out for me most is the one that’s all bright and cheerfully painted but has a dark theme. It’s presented as almost a childlike drawing, presented as innocent and maybe even fun, that’s what the colors say anyway. It’s hard to know what to feel when I look at it. It’s a true representation of my inner conflict, of the face I show outside, the craziness in my head, where I want to go, where I’ve been and the loss of energy trying to make sense of it all. There are so many contradictions and …..yeah, nothing is what it seems to be. Never trust the colors……
Continue reading ‘Never Trust The Colors’
I told my therapist that when I went to bed the other day I felt I’d wasted the whole day and like it was a total failure. I began to tell him that I’d done 4 loads of laundry, a load of dishes, took the trash out, cleaned the liter boxes and helped with a group I belong to here in the city. I did a lot that day but it still felt like a wasted day because I didn’t do one single thing I love to do. I did the daily grind but I didn’t feed my soul, so I went to bed unhappy.
Austin’s August
Tucked under the warmth of her covers she cradled the phone between her ear and the pillow. With a voice full of nostalgia she said: You’re fortunate to be able to trace your roots back to Africa. Life started there. It’s the center of everything….. I’d hoped she would leave it there but she was in a sentimental mood and needed to speak what was in her foggy, dream filled mind.
The African people are so strong and the children are beautiful. I only met one ugly baby when I was there. I think strength is in their DNA. They’re such resilient people, …and they can dance. White people can’t dance, why is that?
That’s when I started drinking.
fma
As much as I trust my boy I’ve had difficulties with allowing him to stand behind me or lay behind my chair. I can’t see him and it drives me batty. This is the same dog I sleep beside and have no issues with turning my back to but when I’m not in bed it drives me crazy for him to be behind me. In therapy today we talked about how instead of me feeling afraid because someone is behind me I end up feeling angry. Dr. D suggested that sometimes anger makes a person feel less vulnerable and powerless than when they feel afraid. I get that but I can think of a situation that may have changed this all from fear to anger.
Continue reading ‘Anxiety and Anger in Color’
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