I feel as if I’ve been running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Therapy started again which means between all the other stuff going on I’m doing therapy work. That two weeks was nice not having to show up and look stuff straight in the eye. This is my first week back since Christmas.
In therapy we talked about what it means to be an emotional bully. When I asked him if he felt I behave that way he wanted first to know what my thoughts are on it. I told him in my eyes and emotional bully is someone who steps on the emotions of others the same way a bully smacks around a weaker person just because they can. It’s as if they target certain sore spots and hurt the person emotionally because they can. A bully is someone who is a coward and who needs to feel better about him or herself so they target those they feel they can overpower physically or in this case emotionally. The agenda for a bully is usually to make himself feel more powerful and to put a protective shield around him that says, “Don’t mess with me.”
After explaining my views he said when he thinks of an emotional bully he thinks of someone who is domineering and relentless in their relationships. Everything is on their terms and without concern for others. He said despite how blunt I can be from time to time he doesn’t see me as an emotional bully.
I think of my mother as one who mind fucks (as an emotional bully of sorts). I think about her standing over me making sure I knew I was less than her and would never be her equal. I think of how she kept me fearful of what she’d say to me. To be hit or sexually assaulted was one thing, for her to open her mouth and speak was another. Her voice hit harder than her fists. They left more cuts and bruises than any dowel rod or whip ever could.
We also talked about splitting as it pertains to Borderline Personality Disorder then we looked at a few art therapy drawings. In one drawing I “helped” my mother down the stairs, in another I gave her CPR with the heal of my shoe on her chest. Dr. D said it was the first time he’d seen me draw something where I wasn’t the victim. The one where I’m giving her CPR shows her tongue hanging out. The one I like the most is me with my hands over my ears not listening to the sound of her destructive voice.
One thing I noticed about these little drawings is how much they different in size to the drawings where she’s hurting me. In the drawings called Someone Else’s Child I’m pictured much smaller than the abuser is. In the drawings above which were done on the very same day I’m shown equal in size. I find that very interesting.
Joan of Arc
The following link only pertains to this entry in that its speaking of an emotional bully. Please see the very interesting article about emotional bullies in a relationship (primarily speaking to men) called 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully.
Thursday, January 7th, 2010 – 4:29PM EST
Asking your therapist if you’re an emotional bully likely can’t result in an answer based in reality. Your therapist only knows what you’ve told him, and it’s human nature to present ourselves in the best light. Regardless, the best clue to the truth is whether anyone has ever accused you of being an emotional bully. If not, you’re probably in the clear. If so, then you probably have it in you to some extent at least, but chances are you won’t be able to hear it or own up to it because emotional bullies usually can’t handle such truth. My guess is someone has accused you and it’s hit a nerve. Why else would you have brought it up to your therapist? Or are you hoping being able to say your therapist doesn’t think you’re an emotional bully will absolve you of any responsibility? No offense — I’m just being blunt . . .
Wow. This is really good work. One of the great advantages of being blunt is that you don’t hold back in other ways… So, while most people would come back from a 2 week break from therapy and stammer and have no idea what to say, you just jump right into it and make a ton of progress.
Did you do these drawings in therapy or out of therapy. I always keep my drawing journal and pencil with me in therapy. I used to (several months ago) draw in it all the time in therapy… but lately, not so much. But I’m thinking that it may be a good idea to start putting experiences into pictures…
I love drawing simple images… I love stick figures. If you can make the point you want to make with just a few strokes, then that’s my cup of tea!
These were done at home but I usually have my sketchbook with me and draw most of the time during the session. Stick people worked for me this time because I was able to show what I wanted to show without getting lost in the art. I can easily pay too much attention to the art and forget what emotions I’m trying to express. Stick people make it easy and help me keep focused on the task at hand.
Yeah, we jumped right in …. didn’t skip a beat. I don’t plan on being in therapy 10 years from now. I don’t have time for that. I don’t want to waste time by easing on into things. Nah, lets get this done and over with so yeah, I didn’t skip a beat. I also don’t waste the first 5 min of my session with social pleasantries. Get her done, that’s my therapeutic motto. He knows how I’m doing or I wouldn’t be there. Why do we need to waste 5 min discussing it? Nope, get her done!