As much as I trust my boy I’ve had difficulties with allowing him to stand behind me or lay behind my chair. I can’t see him and it drives me batty. This is the same dog I sleep beside and have no issues with turning my back to but when I’m not in bed it drives me crazy for him to be behind me. In therapy today we talked about how instead of me feeling afraid because someone is behind me I end up feeling angry. Dr. D suggested that sometimes anger makes a person feel less vulnerable and powerless than when they feel afraid. I get that but I can think of a situation that may have changed this all from fear to anger.
Daily Archive for January 21st, 2010
I’m an adult yet when I sleep I need comfort, security, peace. For a few weeks now I’ve wanted a pacifier while sleeping. I know what kind I want too. I don’t want the baby kind. I want one slightly larger with a harder plastic than what children use. I just want to curl up with my face towards the wall, hold my teddy bear and sleep. I don’t even want to use the pacifier. I just want it to sit in my mouth while I fall asleep.
I feel so unprotected sometimes, vulnerable, exposed. By the time I got to sleep I’m not just physically tired but emotionally exhausted. I just want to feel the security of a newborn who depends upon someone else to make everything okay, make everything warm and safe.
Dear Louie Z
But, but, I took you in off the streets. I fed you. I got you fixed for your own health and for proper eco balance. One stray cat can wreak havoc on environmental balance. I acted to save YOU and the WORLD and this is how you repay me? You spray me in the face? You come up to me purring and acting all lovey dovey, lift your tail and spray me in the face? Hmmm, doesn’t seem too grateful to me. You seemed so surprised I wasn’t complimented by your markings. Nope, I wasn’t complimented. I was furious and ready to twirl you by your tail. Then I saw those soft, beautiful eyes and realized I couldn’t swing you here and there. You purred and I knew I didn’t have it in my to toss you back outside in the bitter winter air. Now you’re in the larger dog crate waiting for me to explain to you why I didn’t accept your gift. We’ll get back to that discussion later, probably tomorrow.
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