Never Trust The Colors

Most of these are based on anger and feeling overwhelmed and taxed. One in particular has to do with Bella being sick yet again. There’s one I like to call basic or primitive which is the box with the three colors around it. It shows how shut down I was feeling after a nightmare written about in my sketchbook. One drawing shows a woman hanging from a tree. There’s a house in another tree and they’re surrounded by bright colors as her body is picked over by vultures. I have no idea where that came from but I do know I purposely made it all bright and sunny with a very dark theme.

Some of my anger issues have to do with the loss of a friendship which I cherished. I’m quite angry over that and wish it hadn’t come to such a senseless end as it did. There’s confusion and concern for why I can’t seem to keep my head on straight at home right now. Also in the drawings are a few dream themes of things morphing from one thing to another. I think the one that stands out for me most is the one that’s all bright and cheerfully painted but has a dark theme. It’s presented as almost a childlike drawing, presented as innocent and maybe even fun, that’s what the colors say anyway. It’s hard to know what to feel when I look at it. It’s a true representation of my inner conflict, of the face I show outside, the craziness in my head, where I want to go, where I’ve been and the loss of energy trying to make sense of it all. There are so many contradictions and …..yeah, nothing is what it seems to be. Never trust the colors……

There’s one with just a house and a tree with a bunch of swirly things. That one was drawn while talking to a perspective roommate. I wasn’t going to call because the price was a bit too high but then I did. I figured all she could do is tell me she couldn’t lower the rent. We talked for an hour and a half. The house sounded great. I saw photos and looked at it on google street view. I asked specific questions and got mostly honest answers. I suppose I’m grateful she answered those questions honestly because I’d have been real pissed had I later down the line found out she’s a stripper and a felon. Where the hell do I find these people?

art media: food coloring, water, white paint, black ink in my sketchbook

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In the last few days there has been so much anger in me that it’s been hard to control. I’m happy I have someone I can call at 2am when all hell breaks lose. I’ve done that twice now. It’s nice to know she’ll pick up the phone when I need her.

I have my anniversary coming up, February 2nd. I didn’t’ want to be this pissed on my special day but I don’t see it subsiding any time soon. I’ll be 18 years free come February 2nd.

J of A