29 « January « 2010 « The People Behind My Eyes

Dr. D said my unconscious mind is process a lot right now. Right now my dreams are shorter and to the point. A few of them are long and twisting which is normal for me but those have been few and far between. Recently the main theme of my dreams has been vindication and self protection. On one level I’m pleased to see my dreams aren’t always about me being hurt in some way but on the other hand I’m still exhausted when I wake. I still feel as if I’ve run a marathon but didn’t cross the finish line. If feels as if when I go back to sleep I’ll start at the beginning and exhaust myself, the next night I’ll do the same thing, on and on an on never reaching the finish line of rest and rejuvenation which sleep is supposed to bring. Whether it’s nightmares of “positive” processing I still feel worn out!

Note: In this dream I lived in the house form the 4^th grade, however, like in most of my dreams I was an adult. My mother stays the same age in my dreams as does my brother. The brother stays 3 years old and the mother stays around 35 years old. My sister ages as do I which means in this dream I was thirty-eight.

Continue reading ‘Processing Dreams and Running Marathons’

This dream is absolutely significant because in it I established myself not only as a woman but as a lesbian.

My mother HATES women more than she hates men. I was told growing up just how horrible women are. She told me women are backbiters and angry bitches who will do their best to tear you down. She said we are untrustworthy and are used by men who only want to have sex with us. Once men “get a hold” of you and “get inside you” you belong to them. You can never “get them out” of you. She said sex with men made you a defiled whore. Most of what I heard about women was worse than what I heard about men. Never in our conversations did she tell me that I could be different from the women she described. Nope, I was pretty much given in detail the kind of person I was going to be simply because I was born female. Trust me when I tell you it wears on the psyche and causes even more turmoil for a person trying to find herself. Everyone goes through the stage of life where they try to figure out who they are as a person then who they are as a man or woman. Add in the horrible description of both sexes and it makes self discovery a greater task than climbing Mount Everest.

Continue reading ‘Dreams Mothers and Sexuality’