This dream is absolutely significant because in it I established myself not only as a woman but as a lesbian.
My mother HATES women more than she hates men. I was told growing up just how horrible women are. She told me women are backbiters and angry bitches who will do their best to tear you down. She said we are untrustworthy and are used by men who only want to have sex with us. Once men “get a hold” of you and “get inside you” you belong to them. You can never “get them out” of you. She said sex with men made you a defiled whore. Most of what I heard about women was worse than what I heard about men. Never in our conversations did she tell me that I could be different from the women she described. Nope, I was pretty much given in detail the kind of person I was going to be simply because I was born female. Trust me when I tell you it wears on the psyche and causes even more turmoil for a person trying to find herself. Everyone goes through the stage of life where they try to figure out who they are as a person then who they are as a man or woman. Add in the horrible description of both sexes and it makes self discovery a greater task than climbing Mount Everest.
One of the other double messages given to me by my mother was that she’d love me no matter what. She said she’d love me even if I were a drug addict or gay. Yup, a drug addict or gay! Since I was very, very young she would take me to the side, sit me down and in a mock caring tone ask me if I was gay. With major irritation I denied it. I denied it in the first grade, the second grade, junior high school, high school, college and after college. The woman hounded me all the time, “Are you gay?” I think I knew as soon as Junior High but I never answered her question truthfully. She even started with my brother at age 3 which was around the first time I remember her asking me. He came out around age 18 I think but fortunately for him he didn’t have to grow up with her.
When I was very little the mother wanted to know if I wanted her to cut off my braids so I would look more like a boy. She asked if I thought I was a boy. Are you gay, are you gay, are you gay, on and on until I just wanted to scream. Low and behold guess who’s gay? Yup, that’s me. And damn ,not only am I gay but I’m another “thing” she hates, I’m a woman and pleased to be.
This particular dream is significant in that I answered her question, “Yes. I’m gay.” And I refused to be ashamed of being female. I didn’t accept her idea of what a woman is. I didn’t cave under the pressure of disappointing her, instead I left with my girlfriend. Also of importance is how the girlfriend asked me if I was the guy in the relationship. So in the dream there’s strength but also the very much debated “who am I as a lesbian.” It seems my friends are very interested in putting me in a category of “the girl” or “the guy.”
FYI - I’m 100% woman. I happen to have male alters who dress in men’s clothing. Get over it!
The dream was handwritten.
J of A
Dreams Mothers and Sexuality – Friday, January 29, 2010 – 5:09PM EST
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