Dr. D said my unconscious mind is process a lot right now. Right now my dreams are shorter and to the point. A few of them are long and twisting which is normal for me but those have been few and far between. Recently the main theme of my dreams has been vindication and self protection. On one level I’m pleased to see my dreams aren’t always about me being hurt in some way but on the other hand I’m still exhausted when I wake. I still feel as if I’ve run a marathon but didn’t cross the finish line. If feels as if when I go back to sleep I’ll start at the beginning and exhaust myself, the next night I’ll do the same thing, on and on an on never reaching the finish line of rest and rejuvenation which sleep is supposed to bring. Whether it’s nightmares of “positive” processing I still feel worn out!
Note: In this dream I lived in the house form the 4th grade, however, like in most of my dreams I was an adult. My mother stays the same age in my dreams as does my brother. The brother stays 3 years old and the mother stays around 35 years old. My sister ages as do I which means in this dream I was thirty-eight.
DREAM:
Last night I had a dream that my mother was going to work late and wanted a nanny to watch my sister and myself. She drove us to a facility called the Suicidal Turtle. We had to do a brief interview before being allowed in the facility for a few hours. During the interview a man told me I couldn’t stay there because of my “record.” He showed me a file which was packed with stuff I’d done as a child, strangely enough some of what I’d done was allegedly to him. One such thing was that I threatened to kill him and his mother and hide their bodies. The man told me he’d never forgotten that and couldn’t allow me to enter the facility. I was rather upset because I remembered the guy. He knew what was going on but never told anyone. He was angry that I threatened him but he never acted to help the 4th grade child that he knew was being sexually assaulted and tortured by her mother. I laid in to him and told him what a coward he was and how selfish and cruel it was to focus on the idle threats of a 4th grader instead of acting to help.
After that I stormed out and went back to the car with my mother. I told her I didn’t need a nanny because I’m 38 years old. If she wanted to work late then fine but don’t ask me to go to some stupid nanny service to be watched over by some idiot. We left and went back to the house (4th grade house) where a dog had been buried in the snow with a bullet in his neck. The dog wondered onto that guy’s property and was shot presumably to death. I went and took him out of the snow. He coughed a bit, jumped up and ran off. It was a white dog, a German Shepherd puppy that looked a heck of a lot like a wolf.
COMMENTARY:
As I write this I’m big time annoyed by its content. I’m struck by the fact that my mother never ages but my sister and I do. The fact that this guy came up with my “record” is significant because my mother use to tell me that if I ever told the police anything they’d take me and not her because of my “record.” She never said what record it was just that I had a record and it was bad enough that they’d forget about her and focus on me. Now this record came back to bite me and I was being denied entrance to a facility meant to care for the vulnerable while their main caretakers were away.
The wolf I think is very significant because usually when wolves are in my dreams they’re by the 4th grade house but they’re in the field in the back waiting to attack me. This is the first time I can remember where a wolf was attacked, buried alive then rescued by me. The wolf pup was solid white but more significant to me is that it was a puppy, a baby, something vulnerable that needed the care of his mother.
The mother use to say my record would come back and bite me which translates to my past will come back on me. In this case it’s true. She is my past and her words came back to cause harm and disorder. The problem wasn’t’ me, it was her. I think the more I have dreams like this the angrier I get because I was lied to. I was made to believe I was the problem. I was made to believe I was a liar and a horrible child. I’m able to see the truth clearer now but it angers me that I spent so long trapped (buried) by lies that kept me under her control.
J of A
Processing Dreams and Running Marathons – Friday, January 29, 2010 – 4:21pm EST
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