Monthly Archive for January, 2010

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Sleeping With A Pacifier

Published on January 21, 2010 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Pets and Trust. 8 Comments

I’m an adult yet when I sleep I need comfort, security, peace. For a few weeks now I’ve wanted a pacifier while sleeping. I know what kind I want too. I don’t want the baby kind. I want one slightly larger with a harder plastic than what children use. I just want to curl up with my face towards the wall, hold my teddy bear and sleep. I don’t even want to use the pacifier. I just want it to sit in my mouth while I fall asleep.

I feel so unprotected sometimes, vulnerable, exposed. By the time I got to sleep I’m not just physically tired but emotionally exhausted. I just want to feel the security of a newborn who depends upon someone else to make everything okay, make everything warm and safe.

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This is How You Repay Me?

Published on January 21, 2010 in Humor and Pets. 0 Comments

Dear Louie Z

But, but, I took you in off the streets. I fed you. I got you fixed for your own health and for proper eco balance. One stray cat can wreak havoc on environmental balance. I acted to save YOU and the WORLD and this is how you repay me? You spray me in the face? You come up to me purring and acting all lovey dovey, lift your tail and spray me in the face? Hmmm, doesn’t seem too grateful to me. You seemed so surprised I wasn’t complimented by your markings. Nope, I wasn’t complimented. I was furious and ready to twirl you by your tail. Then I saw those soft, beautiful eyes and realized I couldn’t swing you here and there. You purred and I knew I didn’t have it in my to toss you back outside in the bitter winter air. Now you’re in the larger dog crate waiting for me to explain to you why I didn’t accept your gift. We’ll get back to that discussion later, probably tomorrow.

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A Night at Hobby Lobby

Published on January 19, 2010 in Dreams, For the Record and Humor. 0 Comments

For I don’t know how long I’ve had horrible nightmares every single night. I woke up more tired than when I went to bed. Last night was different though, I got real rest last night. The dreams I had were pretty good too. I had a dream about art supplies. There were watercolor pencils and oil paints everywhere. There was a host of brushes with purple acrylic handles and pink acrylic handles. I walked around my living room dazed. I touched each and every pencil, each tube and each brush tip. I was nearly giddy at one point.

I feel as if I’ve gotten away with something. I went to bed, slept and woke up refreshed and without a subconscious beat down aka nightmares. I should go buy a lottery ticket! I don’t know how I got away with it but I did. I won’t to sit and think about why. I won’t sit around and wait for the other shoe to fall  as if I don’t trust that good things can happen to me . Nope, I’m just going to take my blessing and go on.

About the dream itself:

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Save You From Yourself

Published on January 18, 2010 in Soapbox and Stupid People. 0 Comments

When Senior does something mega stupid like tell a neighborhood guy he can cut down a 25 foot tree surrounded by power lines I feel the need to step in and save him from himself and the young man from himself. This soft headed “kid” has been by here 4 times now saying he has insurance and a license to cut down the tree, however, he has no cherry picker, no crew and no sense. The first time he showed up he had nothing at all, no paperwork no insurance, no ID.  Now he claims to have all his paperwork. Senior let him remove branches from a tree over my car which have been on the ground since late last summer. Even then I had to go out there and tell the guy to stop because his saw was sparking while hitting a nail in a branch. He was sawing OVER his head with a gas saw against a nail. Now why would you trust someone like that to work around power lines on a huge tree? Anyone who wants to cut down a tree in those dangerous conditions for $400 obviously doesn’t know what the job is worth or what it entails.

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DREAM: Child In A Drain

Published on January 16, 2010 in Dehumanize, Dreams and Relationships. 0 Comments

http://www.sewerhistory.org/images/wm/wmt/wmt08.jpgI’ve had this dream before. There’s a little girl named Anna who is considered a trouble maker. She’s about 9 years old, a tiny thing. She spilled cereal on the floor of shack home and was sent to her loft room. Her mother dragged her there, angry, ready to beat her. She told her how horrible of a person she was and that she was a trouble maker. Things like spilled milk happened all the time and the mother was tired of it. She was always furious with her. One morning the mother woke up to find Anna dead in the middle of the floor. Relieved the trouble maker was gone she decided to hide the body by dropping it in the drain positioned to the side of the main room.  The mother held a straw broom as she watched Anna’s body slowly sink below the surface. She was relieved to finally be rid of this child.

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The Minority Report

Published on January 15, 2010 in For the Record and Soapbox. 0 Comments Tags: .

Oh Snap!The other day I was told that I’m the “Ultimate Minority”.  She said I’m black, female, have Lupus and I’m a lesbian. I just looked at her with irritation and disbelief. Where did that come from and did she really sit around marveling at all my “differences” with her friend who agreed with my new found title of Ultimate Minority? Does she not have anything else to do? Thank God she doesn’t know I have DID. If she knew she might submit my name to the Guinness Book of World Records for the person who fits in the most categories under “minority.”

First off, I don’t consider myself a minority. I’m not sure if she’s looked around but black people are not rare or scattered here and there in small numbers. We happen to be all over the country, sometimes in droves. There are a bunch of women around (surely in each state) and Lupus is misunderstood but widespread. I don’t think there’s a lesbians shortage either.

She’s got it wrong. She’s a straight white female with no major physical or mental health issues. She is a MINORITY, not me.

I had to get that little rant out. I’m okay now.

J of A

The Minority Report – 6am EST Friday Jan 15, 2010

A Day At The Vet

Published on January 14, 2010 in Gratitude Journal and Pets. 7 Comments Tags: .

Louie Z AustinI’d forgotten how hard it is to go to the vet and leave an animal there. The last time I did that was when I had to put Captain down. Today when I took Louie in to get fixed I handed him over to the vet reluctantly. My heart sank. To hand your animal over to a relative stranger for care is a HUGE act of trust, one I forget about until it’s time to do it. I handed him to her, she walked away and I no longer had control of the welfare of my baby. Talk about feeling powerless.

Before Louie went in to get fixed I sat out in the waiting area with a bunch of dogs and cats and their owners. I paired up with two women waiting and we laughed and joked the whole time until it was our turn to see the doctor. That part was easy and fun which was in stark contrast to walking through the door to a rather rough vet who tore Louie’s collar off and told me it was too dangerous for him. She never made eye contact with me either. She felt his belly, looked at his eyes and ears then his teeth. It looks as if he has two teeth missing teeth and a few battle scars. He doesn’t have to worry about that anymore though.

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