Monthly Archive for January, 2010

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DREAM: Treadmills and Black Water

Published on January 14, 2010 in Dreams. 0 Comments

I’m amazed by my dreams and the way they’ve turned from me always being the victim to me protecting myself in some way. In addition to the stick figures where I pushed my mother down the stairs and stomped on her chest I had a dream where I took a younger, faceless form of myself and fled for safety.

In the dream I was at a restaurant in line waiting to move forward to the dessert selections. I really wanted carrot cake but by the time I got to that area of the line they didn’t have any. I waited and waited for my turn but by the time it was my turn I didn’t get what I wanted. I looked around and realized there was no one at all in line anymore and there were few people in the building. The lights were low and it was clear the place was closing. In addition to not getting cake I had to immediately leave the restaurant unsatisfied, unfulfilled.

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Commentary: Treadmills and Black Water

Published on January 14, 2010 in Dreams. 0 Comments

COMMENTARY:

The first thing I noticed in the dream was that in the beginning I waited my turn but didn’t get what I wanted. I doubt the cake was just a pastry. I think it symbolized hope, dreams, basic needs and wants. I waited my turn, stood in line the right way, not pushing or shoving. I followed the rules but still didn’t get what I was waiting for. When I realized I wouldn’t get it I turned to look and saw I was virtually alone.

In the next part of the dream what should have been a short distance home ended up with  me lost then in a muddy wooded area. When I got through to the other side I wanted to warm up in a building but that was interrupted by my mother and sister who found an abandoned new born. I took charge of the situation but what should have been simple turned into a complex ordeal through rolling water and an unstable path. I think the most important thing in relation to the baby and the path is that I made a conscious decision that the child would get help even if it meant I left my mother behind.

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Her Personal Novelty

Published on January 11, 2010 in Relationships and Soapbox. 2 Comments

I get the impression that she wants to discuss my sexuality a lot because of how “different” it is in her world.  She wants to discuss me being black because it’s not part of her everyday world that she associates with black people. I get the distinct impression that she is infatuated with my “differences” and has no real interest in me as a human being. Hmmm. She said I’m the ultimate minority: black, female, Lupus and a lesbian. Okay, so those are my “differences”, do we need to discuss it every single time we talk?

Since when did I become the person with all the answers to the ins and outs of lesbianism? I should set up a big purple tend in a circus and have straight and narrow people come in and pay me to answer their questions. That’s what it feels like, like my “differences” are put on a stage and gawked at.

I wonder if she realizes how un-impressed I am by her so-called social status? I hoped for real, what I got was snobbery.

JofA

Monday – Jan 11, 2010 – 5:19AM EST

Quoted

Published on January 10, 2010 in Art and For the Record. 0 Comments

Courage is the most important of all virtues, because without it we can’t practice any other virtue with consistency. – Maya Angelou

Fear, desire, hope still push us on toward the future. – Michel de Montaigne

I have fear, desire and hope, may I have the courage to use them effectively. – Me :-)

Watch Over Our Children (final)

Flowers are words which even a babe may understand. – Bishop Coxe

The above painting is called “Watch Over Our Children“. It’s my newest painting shown and explained on my art site.

fma

Emotional Bully

Published on January 7, 2010 in Anger, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dehumanize, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Female Sadist and Therapy. 3 Comments

I feel as if I’ve been running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Therapy started again which means between all the other stuff going on I’m doing therapy work. That two weeks was nice not having to show up and look stuff straight in the eye. This is my first week back since Christmas.

wiki imageIn therapy we talked about what it means to be an emotional bully. When I asked him if he felt I behave that way he wanted first to know what my thoughts are on it. I told him in my eyes and emotional bully is someone who steps on the emotions of others the same way a bully smacks around a weaker person just because they can. It’s as if they target certain sore spots and hurt the person emotionally because they can. A bully is someone who is a coward and who needs to feel better about him or herself so they target those they feel they can overpower physically or in this case emotionally. The agenda for a bully is usually to make himself feel more powerful and to put a protective shield around him that says, “Don’t mess with me.”

After explaining my views he said when he thinks of an emotional bully he thinks of someone who is domineering and relentless in their relationships. Everything is on their terms and without concern for others. He said despite how blunt I can be from time to time he doesn’t see me as an emotional bully.

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Letting Go of False Strength

Published on January 4, 2010 in Art, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss and Trust. 0 Comments

1. Of the belief that I can come up with some sort of solution to make my problems go away in a pain free manner.

http://www.sundrip.com/journal/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Let-Go.jpg

2. Of the belief that I’ll be just fine and won’t crash.
3. Of the idea that I have the ability to destroy the lives of others.
4. That it’s up to me to step in and say the right things and make everything better.
5. That I can keep going without fuel and support no what – false sense of strength. I can’t do this alone or on empty.
6. That I need to rescue my friends when they themselves refuse to act.
7. Of the idea that the pains of others must become my own.
8. That I’ve failed my family, my friends and humanity in general.
9. Of the idea that my identity is reflected in an object ie, the house is clean therefore I’m clean. OCD issues.
10. Of the idea that I’m expected to be the strong one so I should be.

Art therapy piece: Multi-media angel painted on sheet music. She’s holding her hands to release herself…from herself. There are so many circling crayon strokes on this piece which reflects my confused and exhausting path. This is also a layered piece in that it’s printed sheet music followed by layers of crayon followed by markers and food coloring.

Awake and In Dreams

Published on January 2, 2010 in PTSD and Therapy. 1 Comment Tags: .

Tuesday, December 29, 2009-2:25am EST

In therapy we talked about the dream where the toilet was overflowing and then the waterbed. He noted how the leak started off slow then quickly overwhelmed the room. He said it’s much like how I am when we talk about the abuse in session. The leak starts slow then quickly gets out of control. I shut down, switch and can’t talk or hide my head and cry.

He said that in the dream I tried to flush something, get rid of it but it came back up with a powerful force. In sessions I take a look at ugly stuff and attempt to throw away old tapes but they come back and overwhelm me. I feel bad that all he has to do is say certain words and I go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat. Catholicism, relationship with your mother, pain, dowel rod.

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