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It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m annoyed, angered, exhausted by the whole thing. I also know there’s no way on earth I’m going to be okay with starting over not when I fear being tossed aside again when the wind blows slightly off course. That pisses me off, it does, to feel thrown away over the …..(no more editing my thoughts) I feel thrown away over the most stupid, minor bull shit of which only half was my fault. I just want to scream, we aren’t in a fucking fairy tale, guess who screws up? Yup everybody and I figure unless there is some huge crime committed that can’t be resolved then one shouldn’t have running away at the top of their list of ways to resolve issues. It pisses me off that….it’s wrong is all. It’s totally wrong. Because there’s an issue or two it doesn’t mean someone has to leave but I’ll be damned if that isn’t exactly what happened. So yeah, I’m frustrated, I’m angry and maybe even a little bit bitter.
I have tried talking but that didn’t work. Nope, I got black and white. I got emotionless, well manicured words that were sure to be misinterpreted. Words that often sound rehearsed and more like narration tend to leave me uncertain of how to respond. And guess what? I got it wrong. Stop with the manicured words and tell me how you fucking feel, and for the love of Pete stop looking for a reason for things to end! Just because things get messed up for a little bit it doesn’t mean things fucking have to end!
So yeah, I’m pissed. I’m also stubborn to a fault which is why I refuse to even try again. I refuse to get comfortable, to trust then end up feeling abandoned again over human errors taken totally to a damn criminal height. Hell, I’ve said worse to other people who rightfully should have told me where to go but didn’t. Shit. After saying it I thought, good Lord Austin if that person sends you a bomb in the mail it’s ’cause you deserve it. Hell, I’ve said some stupid shit to people but this here I have to look at and go, ya know what this isn’t mine. This is that person running. This is that person not using the voice given to them to settle matters. I don’t want to hear every excuse in the book for why it went sour. The only reason this went sour is because the God given voice was held back, period! The next step after not using one’s voice was to run, period!
It’s a horrible, helpless feeling to know you can’t fix shit. It pisses me off to no end when people fear emotion so much that the only one they’ll talk about is love. God forbid one should mention anger. It’s as if anger is a foreign concept to them. They don’t feel anger. The hell they don’t. It’s a natural occurring emotion. It happens to absolutely everyone! Oh I’m not angry, Oh yes the fuck you are!
Part of me thinks in a little bit this anger will subside and that I’ll stop being on the verge of tears every second I’m awake. Part of me thinks, ya know what? I don’t give a flip. Part of me thinks if I wait long enough time will heal it, make it go away. Most of me is well aware that there is nothing I can do or say…. and that really, really bites.
The manicure: On this blog I do not manicure. I yell, scream, curse and all that “fun” stuff but when talking to people I think 95% of the time I hold my sailors tongue. I’ll give emotion, not just facts, but on the blog I don’t hold back….or edit. If I can yell and scream on my blog then in non blog life I can try my best to have some sort of calm approach to pure, unadulterated stupidity. And that’s how I really feel about it ladies and gents.
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