Dr. D told me on Wednesday about a new chronic pain support group at his office that he thought I may benefit from. I’m definitely interested BUT I’m worried too. I’m worried about my ability to sit in a room with several people, perhaps in a circle where I feel totally exposed. I also worry about the size of the room and where my seat is in relation to the door. I want to sit far away from the door but in sight of it. I figure the person who sits closest to the door is the “first to get got.” If I’m far away from the door it’ll take extra effort to get over to me. By that time I’ll be good and mad and ready for their stupid ass!!! I don’t want to be by the door but I do want to be in sight of it.
I have a slight confession to make concerning Wednesday’s session. We got 8 inches of snow but it seems the roads were clear enough for me to drive to therapy. It’s just that I spent a long time Tuesday night and Wednesday morning worrying that Dr. D would cancel and leave me high and dry. I don’t have issues with him taking vacations and stuff because I know in advance but sick days and snow days remove that transition time. It also feels like he leaves me, drops me. So when we got 8 inches of snow I worried he might not show up for work for safety reasons. I canceled because I wanted to be the one to leave him, drop him, abandon him before he could do it to me. I wanted more control over if I had a session or not so I called and told him I was willing to come in on Friday. He didn’t work Friday so we had a phone session because he showed up for work.
The Borderline in me couldn’t sit back and feel dumped or let down, not when I knew I really needed that last session. I’m happy we got to talk on the phone. I think we talked about a lot of good stuff. We didn’t, however, talk about my real reason for canceling. One of the things we have to talk about again is my anger level. I had a major trigger two days ago that totally makes me sick. There’s a level of humiliation with it that makes self-harm appealing to me. My anger level is high. I can’t seem to let myself see how vulnerable I was as a kid. That trigger showed me as a powerless little shit watching her cowardly sister scream and kick and jump around. Why on God’s earth can I not feel for her instead of wanting to scream at her to shut up??? Stop jumping, stop moving around! Stop reacting, she likes it! Why am I not able to yell at my mother, stop hurting her?!!!! The focus is on my sister and on the rumble in my stomach just before I vomit again.
J of A
Oh my! I can so relate on so many levels to this post. Groups: tried this but just couldn’t be free enough to share, always comparing my “story” to the others. Also relate to positioning in a room. Always with my back to the wall, able to see the front entrance.
Abandonment: had a wonderful therapist for a couple of years, the only person to ever tell the whole “story”. He went on vacation one spring and I just KNEW when he came back he was going to tell me he was done being a therapist. Knew it! and it was true. Going through the last weeks was incredibly hard.
I know, at least somewhat how you feel. Thanks for sharing!
annie
ps. ok, now here is me being ummm, weird. But. I’m never sure about sharing similar stuff on a person’s blog. Fearful they’ll think I’m trying to one up them. Would like to hear your thoughts on this.
Oh heck no, I was reading and shaking my head, thinking about past therapists and never once though, dang she’s writing her own entry on my blog. Nope, you are totally fine.
I like how you brought up the “one up” thing though. Man I worry about that. Argh! I wonder how many others do the same thing, fear speaking because it may be viewed as trying to “one up.” I wonder where we get that?
It was interesting to see that there because it never crossed my mind so I wonder this…I wonder how many times I’ve worried someone thinks I’m trying to one up them but it never crossed their mind? And I wonder how often it happens to others.
My other thought is this, I have a feeling always being called an “overachiever” and being told I think I’m better than others plays into my worry about the “one up” phenomena.
Anyway, nope, you’re fine.
Austin
I’m not sure how to say this without sounding weird, so bare with me a moment! This entry and the comments are really interesting to me. The differences and similarities between survivors, are what I am finding interesting.
I am also unsure if I would be able to sit in a room with a bunch of people in a group therapy situation. I would also need to have the door in sight, but I need to be close to it. My thinking is the one closest to the door is the “first one out”. *For me*, the danger is already in the room, what might come through the door doesn’t concern me at all! The one up stuff is interesting too. I fear that also. I worry that others will think I am trying to prove who “had it worse”, or that I am just attention seeking, etc. I carry it to an extreme…I refrain from posting “stuff” on my public blog because of it. This seems to be a very common thing for survivors, and I too wonder where we get this.
The danger is already in the room. Huh, WOW. I guess I fear what I can’t see coming or can’t anticipate. I can see the people in the room. I’ve already sized up them up, it’s the people outside I can’t see who bring the element of surprise. “When” they walk through that door I don’t want to be the first one they can reach.
I sometimes write in my private art blog (mix of art and drawings) but more than not I write here. I still have a use for the private one though.
I’ve got you on Google reader so I know when you update. I can run over there and say hey.