DREAM COMMENTARY: Goldfish Out of Water

The full dream can be found here.

COMMENTARY:

The fish is me. I see dissociation in this dream (me on the ceiling watching myself and my world). I also see me growing past certain spaces in my life. I think I was actively looking for a spot I fit in comfortably. The gender change is a common theme in my dreams and something Dr. D and I have discussed in the last few sessions. I still have a hard time with feeling as if people are trying to take my female identity. This stems from the sexual abuse by my mother and sister where I was forced to be the “husband” who either held or “made love” to his “wife.” For the most part that was my sister who put me in the husband’s role. My mother simply had me be a guy and refused me the natural right to feel like a girl. I still struggle with feeling as if my identity is in harms way.

Last week I offered to let Dr. D keep my sketchbook for a few days and look through it at his leisure. He declined and said there was no place to store it safely. I felt kind of hurt by it, rejected I think. I don’t think he should have to do work after hours so that wasn’t the issue. It’s just that art is so much a part of me and the book is so personal that when it’s offered it’s offered not just as a book but as a piece of me. When he said no to the book it felt like he said no to me the person. It took a bit to get it straight in my head that when he declined there were many factors involved and it didn’t have to do with me personally. I finally got it straight in my head. I would have liked for him to look at it further which may be why I in the dream took the books.

Several things took place with the sketchbook:

1) There could be multiple reasons for why he couldn’t take the book
2) I felt rejected
3) He was not rejecting ME or telling me I’m worthless by not looking at the book outside of therapy.
4) My feelings are not silly or worthless.
5) Feelings don’t always accurately represent the situation.
6) Resolution and acceptance that he didn’t take the book.

RECURRENT DREAM THEME: Animals out of place, gender morphing, water overflowing,

FEELINGS UPON WAKING: I thought what in the world? Did I eat something spicy before I went to bed? I know I didn’t so that doesn’t explain the oddity that played out in my subconscious. Overall I think the dream was positive.

One final note: I have 3 seven inch fancy goldfish, 1 five inch shubunkin and 1 eight inch plecostomus. None of them leave the aquarium, lounge around the house or freak the cat out. If they ever do I won’t call the vet, I’ll call my psychiatrist.

DREAM: Goldfish out of Water – Saturday, February 20, 2010