Safely Returned

Lost - SanDisk MP3 Player
Lost - Relief from hypervigilance
Lost - Independence (functionality)

This morning I got up and prepared myself for therapy. When I pulled off I nearly slammed into Fife Senior’s car. I realized I was a bit dissociative so I stayed put for a bit. After waiting it out I pulled off and ran a quick errand then headed to the therapist’s office. The clock on the dash said I was making good time so I was quite relieved about that.

Since my radio doesn’t work I plug my MP3 player into the lighter socket and listen to my playlists. When I reached for it in my pocket it wasn’t there. I felt each pocket (while steering with my knee) then decided to pull over to check. Because I’d made a driving error which caused a few honked horns I decided that when I pulled over it would be at the parking lot across the street NOT the liquor store straight in front of me. I didn’t want to make it seem like I was driving crazy to get loaded. In the OTHER parking lot I pulled everything out but couldn’t find it. Fear, straight up fear. It was nowhere to be found.

I need that thing, I thought. I need it to calm that horrific PTSD symptom of hypervigilance. There are times when I hear the slightest noise. I can hear the heater kick on, the fish spitting rocks, the air pump to the fish tank, the dog breathing, the cat walking across the floor. I can hear the clock tick, cars rush outside, etc, etc. Sometimes I want to scream “NOT ONE MORE NOISE, PLEASE.” The dryer starts and it seems as if it’s in stereo. The computer fan comes on with crystal clear sound quality. I swear sometimes I can hear every little thing and it seems so loud it’s all I can do to not lose my mind . When this happens I put on my MP3 player and focus on just the music. This lets me clean or even watch TV. I have my closed captions on with the MP3 player which is muffling other noises. It sounds strange but it works for me, otherwise I’d be in a corner rocking. The fact that its portable means I can get things done!!

I’ve slept with it on before I got a hold of quality ear plugs. Whenever I leave the house it’s with me. I have extra headphones in the car in case I forget to bring them along. When I go to the store I wear them because of all the stimuli there. At the store I see everything and everyone move. That gets annoying too. Since I sort of need to see where I’m going there’s not much I can do about that but wearing headphones means I help block out people around me who are talking. I can block out or muffle the open and close of freezer doors, cans being take off the shelf, and paper boxes scraping against their metal shelving before they fall in the cart. I can muffle squeaky grocery carts, kids playing, kids crying, adults talking, cell phones ringing, announcements over the PA and even the blaring music the store plays. Imagine hearing all of that at one time as if it were right in your ear. It’s exhausting, emotionally and physically exhausting.

When I lost the player today I thought about running quick errands and how that could change things.  There will be times when I can’t do it or may need someone to go with me. What about chores at home? How will that get done if I’m bothered by hypervigilance? Then I thought, how does the control of hypervigilance rest on a little black 3 x 1 inch box? How does life fall apart over a little music player? It was frustrating. And how could I have been so careless with something so important? Argh! Boy did I kick myself around about that one.

After my session I made a quick stop at the store for bread. I was in and out in no time but was overwhelmed so I slept in the car until I was okay to drive.  Part of my overwhelmed state was that I’d run into the ex-gf. That was a quick hi/bye thing but still kinda stressful. So anyway, I left therapy at 3pm but didn’t get home until 7pm. When I got home I was more than ready to sleep yet again but I checked my voicemail first. On my voicemail was a guy who said he found my MP3 player at DAV where I shop every Monday. I’d dropped it in the parking lot earlier in the morning when I stopped in before therapy. That was the stop I made before therapy.

How did he get my number? The MP3 player has voice recording as well as the ability to store photos. I put in jpeg format my name, number and email address and asked that if found it be returned. And that is exactly what happened. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Safely Returned - One SanDisk MP3 Player, relief for PTSD symptoms and Independence.