Monthly Archive for March, 2010

On Sisters and Potatoes

Published on March 29, 2010 in Anger, Art Therapy, Emotions and Relationships. 2 Comments Tags: .

It took me a little bit to think of something that made my sister stand out to me or my mother. Everyone knew she was pretty but being pretty isn’t’ anything special, especially when you’re told so all the time. My sister, just like a million other girls, was pretty. In my search to find something that makes her human, makes her an individual I didn’t count her looks into the equation.

It seems important to me to find something about my sister that makes her an individual and not nearly a figment of my imagination. I have a mental image of her but I don’t have many details of her as a person. Who was she inside? I have no clue. I know she was perfect in every mannerism save her desire to disgust me to the point of vomiting. She had a knack for grossing me out and practiced that as often as possible. I always saw it as meanness, almost an extension of other abuses. I’ll spare details but suffice it to say the girl could literally turn my stomach.

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My Sister and Me – under the rug

Published on March 25, 2010 in Abuse, Anger, Depression, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: .

Dr. D asked if I could think of any good times I had with my sister but I couldn’t. I couldn’t think of anything. There were times when the family laughed (we laughed a lot) and she was there but I can’t think of anything we did together that was good.

For the most part the girl couldn’t stand me, in fact she despised me. She hardly ever called me by my name and didn’t want me to touch her at all until she wanted more than casual touch. She really, really resented my existence. I think she resented me for many reasons. First off I got a heck of a lot more attention than she did because I was sick. I was back and forth to the doctor as they tried to figure out what was causing me such widespread pain. They tried to figure out what was causing the pain in my legs as well as different infections which seemed to come out of nowhere. I was constantly at the doctor’s office and constantly being given permission slips to excuse me from gym class or from this or that activity. I got a lot of attention even the negative attention was focused on me. I got most of the abuse and most of the torture aspect of it.

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My Sister and Me – in the car

Published on March 25, 2010 in Abuse, Anger, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments Tags: .

Car rides to my grandmother’s house were so … argh… awful. They were worse than being at my grandmother’s house. The entire thirty minute ride there we heard her recall stories of what she’d done to us and what our response was to it. She relived her abuses while driving us to the grandmother’s house.

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Sister Talk

Published on March 23, 2010 in Art Therapy, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss and Love. 2 Comments

Despite feeling angry with her over the abuse, despite feeling angry with her for being “weak” there is a part of me that still loves my sister. Despite knowing “what” she is I still think she, like my mother, is physically beautiful.

It’s funny I can’t give my sister any more characteristics than beautiful. I can’t tell you if she had a certain “thing” or not. Everyone knows I’m into sunflowers and yellow ducks but for the life of me I can’t remember if my sister had a “thing.” I also can’t seem to attach any significant personality traits to her. I can’t tell you if she was funny or if she was a good cook. I can’t tell you if she liked tennis or fishing or anything much. My best description of her is that she was a flawless, perfect specimen of nothingness.

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Beautiful Gabber aka Bella

Published on March 23, 2010 in Grief Sadness Loss, Medical and Secrets and Confessions. 0 Comments

Maybe I should be completely doubled over in emotional pain but I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, I miss Bella but I don’t feel near the loss I did with Captain. I feel a bit guilty that I’m not all distraught and debilitated by grief. From time to time when I’m reminded of her I have a bit of grief but not like with Captain.

I have mostly good to say about Bella. Most of my memories about her are good but for the last two months of her life she pissed me off so badly I just wanted to scream at her. I called a friend twice in the middle of the night because she had me so on edge. I could handle the regular meowing and many of the other sounds cats make but the yowl went right through me. Her yowls started at a high note then gradually went to a low note. She’d really drag it out, I mean really drag it out. My skin felt like every single nerve in it had been touched by … ice. She only did it at night, never during the day, always at night.

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Boxes and Labels are for Storage

Published on March 19, 2010 in Female Sadist, Pets, PTSD, Relationships, Secrets and Confessions and Soapbox. 2 Comments Tags: , .

Where do these people come from? I said I’m rather domestic in relationships not that I’m submissive in the S&M way. At no time did I say I wanted a dominatrix to contact me? First off it scares the crap out of me. I wanted to know where this person lived so I could gauge the threat level. Thank goodness she lives a good long way away, a safe distance. Gracious.

I like Facebook a lot. I’ve spent more time over there the last few days than anywhere else on the net but at no time did I send out a damn invited for any damn thing. Still I got an email and a friend invite from a dominatrix. I didn’t know she was and her name didn’t give it away either. Not until I looked at her photos and saw the whips, chains and other shit I didn’t need to see did I realize what I was walking into. My heart raced. I wanted to run. I panicked for just a few minutes then got myself grounded enough to take her off my friend’s list.

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A Beautiful Mind

Published on March 19, 2010 in Art. 3 Comments Tags: .

I finally saw the movie A Beautiful Mind. I know, I’m late seeing it but I finally saw it. While the entire movie was moving there was one line in it that stuck in my mind. When Dr. Nash accepted his Nobel Peace Prize he looked at his wife and said, “You are the reason I am.” I like that. For me when I hear it I think of it in a religious sense which touches me deeply.

Here are photos of the side of my fridge with several magnets on it.

My favorite is the tie-dye with a white flower.  I like the darker colors in that one. The others are laminated silk flowers on oil paintings with a magnet attached to them. I also have a small yellow hanging sign that I found at dollar tree with my name on it. How could I resist that?

The other movies I saw recently which I’m also very late on are:

Beauty Shop with Queen Latifah, Good Night and Good Luck and Without a Paddle. Gotta love $2 DVD’s.

Faith