Blinded

I’ve mentioned that I’m in a creative rut right now and that my artistic well is pretty much dried up. I also said that my self esteem is a huge block for me right now. I decided to write a few thoughts about painting, sewing and other forms of creativity.

When I paint or draw I am at my freest. I have few inhibitions and will take color and composition risks. I take risks in art but avoid them in real life. Man I’m not a risk taker, sheshh but in art work I’ll cross lines I was taught to observe and do it with no real concern as to if it turns out good or not. I mostly enjoy the journey but in real life I avoid risks like the plague.

Right now I feel bound and blinded by self doubt.  I’ve painted for too long to say “I can’t.”  Self criticism prevents me from seeing that I can. When my sight is limited progress suffers. Nothing gets out or in, including creativity.

I express myself a lot with color. The brighter the color the more intense my emotions are. I feel very safe when expressing myself this way but when I feel unsafe in my little world it’s harder to open up and let colors (emotions) fly.

When people see my artwork it’s as if they are seeing some part of me. I believe strongly when in a prolonged creative bind it has to do with feeling too vulnerability to let anyone really see me.

Sometimes I don’t care what people think. Other times I fear ridicule and fear even showing my face in public. They might look at me and be able to tell I’m damaged goods. This too impacts how much I’m able to let my guard down and paint or draw. There’s a lot of vulnerability and trust when letting people see my artwork. Someone might say stupid crap about a piece I worked hard on. In a more fragile state of mind fear of judgment can keep me from doing any art work. Fear of judging myself is as strong as the fear of others judging me.

January 11th of this year is the last time I pulled something out of my creative top hat and posted it on my website. For me when creativity stops for this long I know I’ve got to look at myself and see what I’m feeling and what it is that might be causing me to shut down and pull away. In the past month I’ve felt insecure, worthless, depressed and grieved. I’ve felt dissected, frustrated, helpless and angry. It’s no wonder it feels like pulling teeth to put a single entry together and like climbing Mount Everest just to get one piece of art on paper.

The way I see myself can cripple creative flow. I knew I was blocking myself; I just needed to take a look at a few things and figure out why. I think I might have an idea and it’s something I’ll be able to process out in therapy.

Here’s looking at self esteem and confidence,
Cheers
Austin

Marcus Garvey – “With confidence, you have won before you have started.”