The Hope Agenda

1. I hope to one day accept success the way I do failure.
2. I hope one day I’ll be able to take a few risks and not plan my every step.
3. I hope I won’t feel physical pain to this degree for the rest of my life.
4. I hope to feel clean when I step out of the shower.
5. I hope for a shower where no tears are shed.
6. I hope to walk with my head up because I mean it not because that’s what I was trained to do.
7. I hope to one day wake up happy with someone I’ve slept beside for years and years.
8. I hope to feel comfortable in my own skin
9. To feel safe with being loved
10. and to love myself the way I love my neighbors.

I hope, because lack of hope is terminal.

1. I’d like something other than dissociation to define my existence. I trust this will happen.
2. I’d like to take long hikes and ride a bicycle again. That’s not going to happen and I have to come to grips with that loss.
3. After Captain died I feared I’d be guarded with my pets and perhaps keep them at a distance. I’m happy to say that didn’t happen. I’m happy to say I love more because time is so short.
4. I have PTSD, that’s a given but I feel as time goes on I’ll be able to work through many of my issues. What remains will be managed with creative flair. I know this to be true.
5. It’ll be a good day, one I trust is in my future when I walk outside and feel cool rain instead of panic and fear. Rain will be just rain and not a cause for flashbacks. I know I’ll live to see that day.

I trust, because without it I will not thrive.

J of A
I Hope – Tuesday, March 02, 2010 – 1:35am EST