On The Railroad Tracks

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I was on my way home from therapy and in decent shape. I wasn’t overly dissociative nor was I overly stressed so I figured I’d stop off at DAV because after all it was dollar Monday. I wondered what sort of treasures I might find. Since I forgot my wallet at home I abandoned my treasure hunt and headed straight home. Before I could get home I’d have to cross the railroad tracks. I could see up ahead the red lights flashing warning of a coming train so I slowed my speed appropriately. I was breathing slowly, almost in a content sort of way. Normally one would desire that but in no way were my thoughts peaceful or joyful. I pulled off to the side in the parking lot of a paint supply store and got out of the car. I lit a cigarette and let the train pass by. After it was no where in sight I got back in my car and went home, alive.

For me it’s the hardest thing in the world to see a train and not step in front of it or drive right into it. That’s why I got out of the car and let it go by. I’d say suicide is on my mind as much as it has always been but for me there are only two ways I think I’d actually try it. I think one of the reasons I haven’t tried to hurt myself in this way in a long time is because I’m living proof that many standard ways to commit suicide are easy to botch. I’m a heart patient because of a failed suicide attempt in 2003. That really messed me up so now I have a heart filter. That was a very touch and go time where I came to firmly believe that life support isn’t for me. I woke up 2 weeks later but I learned that failing at this has serious consequences.

Many would say I got a second chance at life. I saw it as a reason not to try the same thing again. I saw it as if you fail why try and try again? In my very disturbed and depressed mind I was resolved that I would die just not by a means that can be jacked up. This means guns are out; jumping off something is out, trying to hang myself…out! That can all be jacked up and land me right back where I was. I really thought about it in those terms. I needed something that worked. I then remembered what I use to do when I was a kid. I use to wait for the train to come. I’d race up the hill as fast as I could, sit Indian style on the tracks and wait for it to show up. For me it was one of the most peaceful moments ever. I was waiting for it all to end. I was nearly giddy as I sat there thinking about what I was leaving behind, who I was leaving behind.

As an adult when I saw trains I thought of them as a good out but I didn’t often have an opportunity to encounter one alone since I was without a car. Now I have a car and drive regularly over the tracks. Every time I drive over tracks I think about sitting there waiting for a train. Hardly ever do I see one and even less often am I the first person in line waiting for it to go by.

I told Dr. D today that I worry about involving the engineer in my death and how unfair it is to involve someone else in a suicide. I would hate to think while I had my out some guy is trying his best to deal with the fact that I parked my car in front of his train purposely and with no regard for his future being.

The strange thing about Monday is that I wasn’t any more suicidal than any other day. It’s just that the opportunity presented itself. My automatic thought was to seize the moment and catch the train I’ve been waiting for since I was a child running up the hill. My second thought was about the train engineer then about my life as it stands now and what could be in the future. Thinking before I acted is what helped me pull into the parking lot, get out of the car and let the train pass by.

On Railroad Tracks – Wednesday, March 10, 2010 – 2:14am EST

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