My personal word for the day is resilience.
Resilience: the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
Power and ability stand out for me in this definition as does returning to the original state of being. I don’t mean I need to return to being one person because I don’t know what that means. I told someone the other day that while I wish for integration it’s much like someone who feels the grass is greener on the other side. Heck, I may get over there (in the world of singletons) and think, “Get me out of here! I don’t like this shade of green!” The original form I’m talking about is the person I was born to be. That person still exists but is hard pressed to breathe under all this gunk. I need to get her unearthed and let her live in today, let her stand up from her bent (but unbroken) position.
The best way for me to be resilient is to practice my coping skills and make them a part of my life, not just words on a piece of paper. I also need to let myself grow and make opportunities for personal growth.
Resilience is my word for the day and my goal for the day.
fma
Our thoughts re integration: we’ve been multiple as far back as we can remember. No idea what it’s like to be single. This is what we are. It would be like trying to morph into a tree, just because we live amongst trees. Painful, and possibly pointless, and while I like trees better than I like me most of the time, too bad. I’ve not been a tree, and I won’t be a tree.
At least not in this lifetime.
(some of what I’m saying is simply soapbox stuff on the subject of integration. most of it isn’t directed at you at all but is simply part of my whole “oh my gawwwd I can’t believe you’d want to integrate” rant/rave.)
I can’t really imagine being a singleton either but I do hope for it. I suppose hoping for it keeps me moving forward in my healing process. I may not get there but if I keep shooting for it I may at least get somewhere. Right now my entire life is dictated by dissociation and switching. I may not remember how it feels to be one person but I think after the initial culture shock I’d begin to find my way.
If I were slowly introduced to the French culture before being tossed in the middle of Paris I’d manage better. I’d take classes in the language, the region, history and even politics. I’d learn much like I’m doing now in therapy. At this time I’ve never been to Paris so I haven’t the first clue how they do things. But a slow introduced to their culture would make for a much better transition. I think that is how integration would be. I don’t think it’s as “easy” as turning a light switch on or off. Lights on I have DID, lights off I’m forced to live in the world of singletons. It’s not an overnight thing but sometimes when I think about it I sometimes see it that way.
Also, in the entry I jokingly said, “get me out of here”. I think I add jokes to this subject because I fear offending multiples who are threatened by anyone who would desire to integrate. There’s a sense of anger that rises up when this conversation is broached. People begin to lose sight of their boundaries and feel judged when a multiple says they wish to integrate. Or heck, we end up being judged and judged harshly. It is my hope that anyone who reads this entry or any other which discusses integration will be able to see that I am talking about me and that I offer no judgment about what path others take in their healing process.
It is a frightening thing to say something when you know darn well there could be fall out from it. But I wrote that entry because it’s my truth.
Sometimes its almost as if I feel the need to “come out” with multiples. “Come out” as wanting to integrate.
(again, most of this is soapbox stuff cause I know how many feel about integration. perhaps all the above could be seen as a preemptive measure for the encouragement of peaceful exchange. in other words, please, no one bash me for wanting to integrate. i will not today or tomorrow judge you for not wanting to integrate.)