Monthly Archive for March, 2010

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Books and Art

Published on March 9, 2010 in For the Record. 0 Comments

I finally made something. Go check it out. Three Oceans, Three Pearls.

I purchased some clay the other day and made a few small pieces for my home. It was a nice self esteem boost just to be able to finish it. Argh! I tell ya, this whole dry spell is killing me.

When I made them I was rather relaxed, comfortable. It’s the first time since high school I’ve had clay in my hands (20 years ago) so I was certainly back to square one but man was it fun. I like the idea of clay as use for help with arthritis in my hands but I don’t like the way polymer clay feels. To get the final desired texture I went ahead and put an adobe clay overlay on each piece because I just don’t like the way polymer clay feels when it’s baked and dried.  I think I’ll have to see about working with a more grainy, earthy clay with a solid, heavier feel to it. The small ball I have left I’ll keep for use to build hand strength but in the future (hopefully the near future) I’ll get a hold of a clay material I actually want to do a real piece with.

So, I finally got something done. Yay for me!

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Trust The Moment

Published on March 5, 2010 in Abuse, PTSD and Relationships. 0 Comments

I have to wonder what on earth I’m doing? I mean really, am I just totally off my rocker or am I in a space now where I can venture out and not feel like I’m going to crash and burn? For me to even consider walking down this road says to me I’ve made a tad bit of progress in my healing.

I’ve said repeatedly that I can’t date a black girl because it’s too triggering. I’ve said that I like black women a lot (ooooo chocolate) but when I see them I think of my mother and it frightens me. At this point when I look at her I don’t think of my mother. When I see a mutual friend of ours I see my mother but not when I look at her. I guess my concern is that if this grows into anything and there’s sexual contact I’ll end up freaking out.

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I remember too

Published on March 4, 2010 in Depression, Dreams, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Letters Home and Medical. 0 Comments

I’m not sure why it makes me sad but it does. I’ve seen her several times and had lunch with her a few times at the University. I guess to get a letter from her via email today was more moving than I expected it to be. I literally brought me to tears.

Today I slept through therapy. I went to bed earlier than usual but wasn’t able to sleep due to extreme pain. I finally fell asleep around 9am and slept until 4:45PM.  I woke when the phone rang.  It was a friend calling to tell me she missed me a lot and that she loves me. She said she’d been thinking about me. It was hard to hear anyone’s voice at all because I just woke from a bad dream.  I called my therapist to tell him I was sorry I missed my appointment. He wasn’t available. I’ll see him on Monday.

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Copyright Violation AGAIN

Published on March 3, 2010 in Art and Soapbox. 1 Comment

I’ll be writing a letter to:
Web18 Software Services Limited
New Era House, Mogul Lane, Matunga (W)
Mumbai – 400016, Phone: 6618 4400

Yes, Mumbai. I have to deal with the same man who insists upon snatching my artwork and publishing it in a series of online magazines. It is sad when people will not work for a living but instead snatch the work of others and claim it as their own.

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Blinded

Published on March 2, 2010 in Anger, Depression, Emotions, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Relationships and Trust. 1 Comment

I’ve mentioned that I’m in a creative rut right now and that my artistic well is pretty much dried up. I also said that my self esteem is a huge block for me right now. I decided to write a few thoughts about painting, sewing and other forms of creativity.

When I paint or draw I am at my freest. I have few inhibitions and will take color and composition risks. I take risks in art but avoid them in real life. Man I’m not a risk taker, sheshh but in art work I’ll cross lines I was taught to observe and do it with no real concern as to if it turns out good or not. I mostly enjoy the journey but in real life I avoid risks like the plague.

Right now I feel bound and blinded by self doubt.  I’ve painted for too long to say “I can’t.”  Self criticism prevents me from seeing that I can. When my sight is limited progress suffers. Nothing gets out or in, including creativity.

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The Hope Agenda

Published on March 2, 2010 in Depression, Emotions, Mental Health, Secrets and Confessions and Trust. 3 Comments
  1. I hope to one day accept success the way I do failure.
  2. I hope one day I’ll be able to take a few risks and not plan my every step.
  3. I hope I won’t feel physical pain to this degree for the rest of my life.
  4. I hope to feel clean when I step out of the shower.
  5. I hope for a shower where no tears are shed.
  6. I hope to walk with my head up because I mean it not because that’s what I was trained to do.
  7. I hope to one day wake up happy with someone I’ve slept beside for years and years.
  8. I hope to feel comfortable in my own skin
  9. To feel safe with being loved
  10. and to love myself the way I love my neighbors.

I hope, because lack of hope is terminal.
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Garbage In Garbage Out

Published on March 1, 2010 in Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Mental Health, PTSD and Stupid People. 3 Comments Tags: .

I told my mother I didn’t want to be a poet because the life of a poet always ends in tragedy.

Captain and BearI didn’t make a weighted blanket because I didn’t want another project. I just went ahead and weighted a large teddy bear I have.  I opened the stitches on the side, removed the stuffing from the belly then added the appropriate amount of weight. I also removed some of the stuffing from the limbs. This particular bear has a small pocket where a little music box use to be. In place of the music box I put in a lavender pouch which can be removed to heat. The weighted bear with aromatherapy pouch works wonderfully.

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