It was terribly ugly. In addition to dealing with an entry that put me on edge and disappointed the hell out of me I was dealing with being two doors down from my father’s house. My father is not an abuser it’s just that the area itself brings back frightening memories. I went to get the blanket not knowing how close it was to so many memories. I wasn’t ready, hadn’t prepared myself mentally for having it all thrown back on me so quickly. Had I been prepared for it I may have handled it better.
Monthly Archive for April, 2010
What I want is to get in my car and head to Tyler. What I want is to not turn the TV on and see someplace I use to live or someone that knows someone I use to know. What I want is to look around me and see what’s actually there and not what use to be there. I do not want this. I do not want to be here.
Yesterday I pulled a queen size electric blanket off Freecycle.com. I showed up to pick up the blanket only to realize the house was a few houses from my father’s house. I got the blanket without being seen. I came straight home. Thank goodness I had Gus in the back seat of the car with me.
I’m confused by media statements recently. They’re vague yet definitive and therefore bothersome. I wonder if others have asked for further explanation into statements such as,
Illegal immigrants bring crime.
Immigrants from where? Are we talking about immigrants from the Sudan, from France, Canada? From where?
Specifically what crimes are illegal immigrants committing that American citizens are not?
I’ve had several fragments of memory over the last few days. The ones below are specifically about small breed dogs.
An Aunty S had a medium size dog but I’m not sure what happened to it. It was a Golden Cocker Spaniel that hated to be left alone. Every time my aunt came home the dog had peed on her pillow. He also use to wipe his butt on the carpet and piss her off big time. I have no idea what happened to that dog. I liked him though. I lived with him when I was about 3 years old. This was also the time when the abuse picked up and the time frame where I fully believe I became a multiple. I don’t recall the dog barking, ever.
You know you’re irritated with the world when you’re in the middle of cleaning the aquarium and find yourself upset because the fish keep swimming up to you.
My Lord! Would you leave me alone, I thought. I’m not here to socialize. I just want to clean the tank. That’s when I burst out laughing because I was pissed that the fish had the nerve to swim up to me. Yeah, it’s possible I have some issues right now.
This is a great example of seeing the entire world in one single light. I didn’t even want the fish to touch me or want anything from me. Dammit I can’t do everything or be all things to all people… or fish. I’m only one person (technically). Why does everyone want something?
Really, when you’re taxed and feel stretched too thin it only takes one tiny thing to tip you right over into crazy unreasonable. I tipped last night when I lashed out at the fish. I laughed at myself then decided to relax a bit.
Austin
I think what I feel most is worried followed very closely by anger bordering rage. I have an intense need to slash, to scream. Right now I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing at all. I hate that it’s Friday because it means my therapist is gone until Monday and I can’t talk to him. I’m in the need to be rescued mode.
Me
This morning I was greeted by Mary Jane and her soft purr. She, my little cuddly vampire aka Calico Rose, gave me a very welcome love attack which was great to start to the morning. As I lay there petting her I thought to myself, how did I end up with you? Why do I get to have you? How did I get so lucky? Mary Jane is a great kitty. She’s calm, mostly very quiet and loves to be loved on and held but likes her alone time too. Did I mention she’s calm? Boy is that a great for me. LOL I told her I was happy she’s here and that she should stay forever and ever.
After I got home from therapy I grabbed a bite to eat then needed a nap. I slept longer than intended then woke from this dream:
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