The issue is not what I’m focusing on. The issue is not that my roommates son is a bum nor is it that Senior is filthy. This time the issue is none of those things yet it is what I focus on to keep from looking at my own stuff.
I hear in my head a rant/rave that has played a hundred times before. Why can’t Senior put a friggin’ dish in the sink? Why do these two have an aversion to communication? Why can’t Junior get a job and get off his lazy ars and contribute to the household? Why does Senior need to raise my rent to make up for what Junior uses in utilities? While all of that falls into the category of “legitimate gripe” they are not my biggest, most pressing life issues; yet I focus on them because they are less painful than the real problems I have.
I look at Junior and think I’ve got his life all figured out. All he has to do is this, this and this then he’ll be able to get on his feet. I know why he does what he does. I have judged, deduced and boxed him into a small little being all while looking away from the mirror and ignoring the voices in my head that say, you’re stupid, worthless and can’t produce to save your life. Why do you even bother? Stupid! Stupid, Stupid!!! Worthless, worthless bitch! If my brain could be charged with assault and battery it would be sent to prison for a good long stretch. The negative self torture is relentless and burdensome. How is it that I could hurt my own feels so badly that I make myself cry?
I realized the other day I have a tendency towards hoarding. All I have to do is buy something small, place it in the closet and walk away from it. I feel better for awhile but I need to go get something else to fill the hole in my chest. Once I became aware of my tendency I was very careful not to purchase things I didn’t need or couldn’t use right away. I know on a certain level that no item will fill the whole in my chest and no amount of scrutiny for someone elses life will make mine better. I’m trying to be careful, step with caution and work on the real issues at hand.
The real issues in no particular order:
I feel empty and useless.
I feel like with this state of depression I’ve lost my ability to create. I know I’ll get it back but the wait is long and arduous.
My hair is falling out yet again.
My car needs an exhaust pipe. It sounds like a motorcycle right now. I hope I don’t get a ticket for driving it like that.
I fear my mother dying. I’m not ready for that yet. I’ve said recently that she should do us all a favor and die but I don’t really want that.
I wonder if I’m ever, ever going to get ahead. Am I really going to be crippled by PTSD all my life, stuck at home in fear? It can’t be that all there is for me is dissociation and fear. What a slap in the face to “survival” if it is.
I am not happy.
Austin
You will get ahead. You won’t always be crippled or afraid. You’ll find your path back to creating. I wish me saying that helped, but I know it doesn’t really.
This is what I think though ~ that when you are in the dark place and all you are doing is “avoiding”, in the background you are silently gathering your resources to move forward again. You might not be aware of it, but you are. The frustration, the feeling of being stuck, can’t be experienced without the desire to move again creating it. Something is working in you. I believe it.
Actually, it does help. Thank you for saying it.
Dear Austin,
Okay, you are being too hard on yourself. How do I know this? One, you are a survivor. Two, you are expecting yourself to act and be healed when you aren’t. Three, you are expecting that your current life circumstance is not heavily effecting your life, your creativity, and your ability to focus on healing. It is effecting all of the above.
As someone who went from living alone and having safe space to living with others in the last six months I can say definitely I am stuck, I am not working efficiently, healthily or effectively on healing. Ain’t happened. Ain’t gonna happen. Yes it is easier to focus on the daily grind. But it is also because the daily grind is grinding you down. If possible, please try to let in a little gentleness for yourself through this time and with this process.
Living with them cannot possibly be easy. Even more so because Sr. was like a parental replacement until he got stolen away from you. It is okay to be upset about this. It is okay to be angry about this. It is okay to be sad about this. It is a loss for you. I know it takes time to find a good enough space to move and that is not including the money issues, the move issues, the relationship issues.
It may not look like it but you are going through a lot in dealing with living there and trying to manage your life around them. My brother exhausts me and some days I avoid him for all but the most perfucntory minutes while grabbing food out of the kitchen. I wish that I had that energy to devote to my life, my daily cares, my creativity, my healing. But I don’t. Please don’t expect more out of yourself than you can currently give. It is okay to take care of your needs and yet I know how hard that is to do when others keep infringing on your boundaries, violating the peace, and disturbing the general vibe of the household. I believe that you will find a much better situation for you to live and find a huge weight off of your shoulders.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
Sending you safe, safe hugs if you want them.
{{{{{Austin}}}}}
@ MIS
I saw this on your blog today and really liked it.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
~ Anonymous
@ Kate,
Your brother reminds me very much of Junior. Junior gets his self esteem from how much money he makes and what he spends on others. When he’s broke he’s miserable and so is everyone around him. He needs to be King of the Hill, looked up to for financial support. When people accept what he gives they don’t at first realize the gift comes with a huge price. You MUST put up with his temper, his flakiness, his argumentative nature and walk around him on eggshells. When you upset him he throws in your face how much he’s done for you and how he can’t be too horrible of a person if he did all that stuff for you “out of the goodness of his heart.” Argh!!!! The air changes when he’s home, it changes to putrid and un-breathable. When Junior is home it’s like trying to breathe in a room with burning Tupperware.
Yup, he’s an issue, a huge issue and sometimes a distraction from my own.
I was going to say you’re way ahead of me, I can’t even figure out what my problem is (other than the obvious which now that I think of it is a pretty long list). And then I realized what my problem is. And now I’m going to bed.