The other day I sat up watching an infomercial about Lord only knows what when I had an epiphany. I don’t have to fight to stay awake. I can go to bed when I’m tired. The epiphany came in the form of an insider’s voice who said, “You know, you don’t have to stay up.” Oh, okay. Really? Are you sure cause that doesn’t sound right. To walk in the room and lay down to rest seemed like a foreign concept. WTF? Do what?
Dr. D and I discussed how difficult it’s been to feel alone yet constantly have company. That company is in my head but its still hardship. I’m taxed by the realization that I have no real alone time, no private thoughts. As illustrated in the sketches I go to the grocery store with a gang of people. I use the restroom with an audience, a chattering group accompanies me to the dinner table, when I walk the dog, when I take a bath and when I sit in therapy. Even though we work well together it’s still a hardship to NEVER, ever be alone. The fact that we do work together (most of the time) makes our existence easier but it’s still very much a burden to feel as if everything about me is shared. Our closeness as a group is shown in the drawings where we are holding hands. It’s also shown by how close we’re standing to one another.
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In addition to space we share a past that we are both ashamed of and afraid of. Then of course there’s the grief, anger and resentment I have for my sister who has what I do not have, a family.
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When I think about what she trades to have my mother I ‘should’ cringe and turn away but instead I’m angry and resentful. I resent the fact that I can not call home! I resent the fact that because I will not let them hurt me or spin the truth that I can’t call home. I do not go to family gatherings or funerals. I don’t even get to say, “I’m a (insert last name) I can do anything I set my mind to.”
Yes I can have a family of choice, a sister of choice, etc, etc BUT I’m not talking about that right now. I’m talking about my family of origin and how not having them makes me feel. Because I chose safety I feel stripped. For that I am angry.
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