Whomever decided it’s easier to hate than to love must have never truly felt hatred. Whomever decided its easier to be angry than to accept joy must have never truly felt angry or anguish. This is not easy. At this point I’d give my right arm to not feel this kind of hatred and this kind of anger. Just like with love, this type of hatred and anger is all consuming. I feel it when I wake up, when I walk across the floor, when I look at the TV or the PC screen I feel it. I’m not getting anywhere with this. I’m stuck. It feels like it’s getting worse.
A few days ago I turned the TV on and saw a commercial for a new episode of CSI:Miami where a young girl was abused by her mother. The mother yelled at the girl, “If you want to act like an animal I’ll treat you like one.” She then grabbed her head and shoved it into a dog’s bowl on the kitchen floor. Where did they get my family’s private home videos?
What took me about this commercial, other than that it happened to me, was the age of the girl being abused this way. In the commercial it showed a teenage girl not a toddler or someone we’d immediately feel sorry for. It showed a teenage girl that many might see not as a victim right off. If they did see her as a victim they might have (because of her age) asked the question, “Why didn’t she get up and slap her?” or “Why didn’t’ she leave or tell someone what was happening.” …….When an older child is abused people ask questions about the behavior of the victim but when a toddler is hurt in the very same way sympathy is extended. I was shocked that CSI:Miami showed a teenage girl being abused in this way. Maybe part of the shock was that I was her age too and being treated that way. More shock set in later when I realized oh my God, I’m not the only one. If it showed up on prime-time television I can’t be the only one. I thought my mother and her family were the only people to do these things.
I got a serious clue into the rest of the world when I saw my life play out in a commercial. I didn’t watch the show because 1) I can’t stand that soap opera show. CSI: Miami is like Bold and the Beautiful with guns and 2) the subject matter is too triggering.
It only took seeing the commercial one time for me to be reminded of sitting at the table with my mother. Don’t touch her food. Don’t get too close to her plate because you’ll get slapped. Don’t reach over her plate or near her plate. You’ll get slapped and berated. Don’t touch her fork, her glass, napkin or anything. Just don’t move!!!!
For some reason too I’m reminded of being her personal alarm clock. She said the alarm clock always frightened her and would cause her to have a heart attack so she needed me or my sister to wake her up. We couldn’t win, we just couldn’t. No matter how softly we said her name it was still frightening to her so she woke up swinging. It was the same thing every single day. Wake me up, don’t scare me. Slap, punch, slap, punch. Use a damn alarm clock! We could not win. The woman set us up to fail and blamed us for needing to be beaten. If we’d just said her name a little softer, coxed her awake instead of rushing it she wouldn’t have had to go off like that. It was our fault always.
For weeks now there’s been little in me other than hatred and anger. I’ve pulled away from my dog, my cat, my friends and life in general. Heck, I even skipped therapy today. No, I don’t feel well but it’s not as if I couldn’t have sat in his office. It’s just I didn’t feel like looking at him or being around anyone at all. I don’t want to be touched or looked at. It almost feels like a violation to be touched right now so I have the dog put up for most of the day. I have him behind the dog gate in the bedroom and hallway with toys, water and food so that he can’t come so close that he touches me without warning. To be touched right now feels like violation and that is a great way for me to go from angry to violent. The dog spends most of the day in the back part of my apartment behind the dog gate because I love him and don’t want to take my anger out on him. He can’t touch me right now, he just can’t. My self control isn’t where it should be.
Gus status: He has the full run of the back part of my apartment. He goes outside to play, eats, naps on my bed and sniffs at me through the dog gate. He’s not ignored or anything it’s “just” that any unexpected contact wouldn’t go over well and I know it. Dr. D is very well aware of my anger issues right now.
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