Monthly Archive for June, 2010

Wolf Spider

Published on June 30, 2010 in For the Record, Humor and Pets. 8 Comments Tags: , .

This guy was on my wall in the living room. When I saw him I grabbed the camera because I figured no one would believe a spider this damn big exists outside of horror shows.

This is the actual spider so don’t click on the photo unless you really want to see it. For those of you who don’t I’ve made the photo extra small. This is the one and only photo.

When trying to kill a spider that’s the size of a friggin cat one has to ask, is my house in order? If I try to kill this thing but he in turn kills me do I have my business in order? I kissed the cat’s head, patted the dog and told them no matter what I’d always love them. Gus whined in a begging fashion which I took to mean, “Mama don’t go” but in order to protect my furry family I had to.

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Dead Frozen

Published on June 28, 2010 in Anxiety, Fear and PTSD. 0 Comments

I’m not a superstitious person and I don’t believe in calling on the Orishas to have my needs met, not for protection, love, money or revenge…not even my health.

I’ve written two or three sentences so far and have erased them all. What I’m trying to say is, I try to stay clear of such things and try not to think of my past but when I opened a box sent to me and saw a small red towel I about crapped myself. It was just so random, so out of place. It’s more than likely not what the cloth sent for but still it scared the crap out of me.

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On Wearing A Belt and PTSD

Published on June 27, 2010 in Abuse, Mental Health, PTSD and Secrets and Confessions. 1 Comment

After yesterday’s public display of indecency I realized I have to buy a belt. Lord knows I didn’t want to but if I was to keep any amount of dignity at all (keep my pants up in public) I was going to have to buy a belt.

I was given one of black leather by someone who meant well but it just sat on the floor in the corner where it fell because I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. But after yesterday’s performance I knew I had to make some changes.  Question: It’s cheaper to buy one belt than all new pants, right? Even so, I considered replacing all my pants.

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It’s About To Get Ugly

Published on June 26, 2010 in Abuse, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

Man I don’t want to do this but I know it’s important.

Boy is therapy about to get ugly!!!! We’re going to go over a specific memory step by step for the purpose of desensitization.

The very thought of it makes me want to rock back and forth and cover my face.

The last time I did this it resulted in a painting called Honorable.

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j253/SunNStone/AsianEXs1.jpg

Faith

Flooding in Indiana

Published on June 23, 2010 in For the Record. 2 Comments

With all the rain we’ve had I may need to build a boat and learn how to drive it. Indiana got 5 inches of rain in one day flooding many counties and requiring emergency evacuation. My area wasn’t evacuated but we had flash flooding which stalled my car in 1 foot and a half of water. I was driving in the dark when the rain hit hardest and got stalled out when I drove into a deep pool on black pavement. I couldn’t see it or I wouldn’t have tried to drive through it. It’s been crazy over here with all the rain.

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Would You Recognize Me?

Published on June 20, 2010 in Art Therapy, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss and Letters Home. 1 Comment

I’ve only seen you twice in my adult life so I wonder, would you recognize me if you saw me on the street? Have you thought about me since I last saw you?

Will you brag to your co-workers that one of your three daughters gave you the gift of a life time and you’re so proud to have her as your daughter? Will you brag this year or simply go about life as usual?

What colors do you like? Forget the simple stuff, what is the best memory of your father? How did you grow up? Were you afraid of the religion your parents practiced or were you okay with it? Where is your father buried? Is there a family plot? What college did you attend, how did you meet my mother? I know nothing at all about you, nothing, yet I grieve as if we’d spent my my most important years together only to lose them to some reckless accident.  Why do I grieve you at all?

Despite the hurt life goes on as usual. And as usual I’ll do my best to avoid thinking of what might have been.

So really, what is your favorite color? I like red..and sunflowers, sunflowers are the best ever.

fma

Sunday June 20, 2010 5:43am EST

Slipping Deeper In My Head

Published on June 20, 2010 in Art Therapy, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Fear, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

I nearly quit therapy Wednesday afternoon. I haven’t panicked like that in a good long time but when I did it felt like I never wanted to be in that space again. The best way to never feel that terrified again is to not touch the subject, or any abuse subject. I was ready to chuck it all. Wednesday I switched rapidly and was so frightened that words can’t explain.

One of the things that helps keep me grounded when I panic like that is to have my therapist request that I make eye contact with him. When I look away I tend to focus on one thing and disappear into my head. At the time I can see and feel the abuse and I’m not always certain where I am. Everything around me is confusing, chatter in my head increases and running seems the most reasonable option. I even look at the door several times to see if I really want to run.  It’s total and complete panic which takes a hold of me and strangles out reality.

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