Therapy Session Review: Show and Tell

Dr. D and I discussed the creative free flow writing I did called Show and Tell.

This particular piece is interesting to me because of the names I chose and the words chosen to describe my sister’s behavior and responses. Most significant to me is the names chosen for the characters. I went by the name Anna my senior year in high school and Cheyenne is one of my sister’s middle names. I switched up the names but didn’t really think about it until after the fact. Anna is also the name of one of my very mild alters. In the Bible there’s a woman named Anna that was considered loyal, faithful and always in the temple. This is one of the reasons the alter chose her name and one of the reasons I went by it in high school. I liked the thought of being considered loyal and faithful. Since my sister was none of those things its interesting that I’d choose to give her that name in the story and take hers as my own. Roger is just the brand of the cigarettes I was smoking at the time

Another interesting point is that the story is mainly about my sister. I focused on her feelings of abandonment from the mother, irritation and chilly responses to me, her appearance and being misunderstood by her classmates. I detailed her life leaving out details about the mother and few about me until the very end.

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In a very narcissistic way the sister benefited by bringing me to school to show her classmates a pet she thought would improve her relationships at school.  Just like in real life, if she didn’t benefit by my presence I was discarded. As a child if another kid came along she told me to leave so she could play with her. I was there to do exactly what she wanted when and how she wanted. And just like with the mother, when the sister and I played I was also to abandon my real name and answer to whatever she called me. (It almost seems ridiculous that this is the sister I grieve so much.)

Dr. D wondered if the name switch up had to do with how I blamed her for things that weren’t her fault just like she did me in the story and in real life. In the story I made her me and me her which could be seen as me putting her as the scapegoat and me being the narcissistic one. He wasn’t saying I was a narcissist but wondered if I used her as a scapegoat when I was younger. I commented that while things like my mother staying single were blamed on me I blamed some of the abuse by my mother on my sister. I assigned blame where it didn’t belong, thus identifying with the aggressor, my mother. I’m uncertain if my sister blamed anything on me that wasn’t first suggested being my fault. I’m not sure she ever thought that hard about things, not enough to come up with those assignments on her own anyway. She may not be wired that way, being more emotional than analytical.

In the story I used words like “mold”, “perfect”, “performance” and “cry” because those were words that came up in my childhood quite a lot. I also mentioned how I had all the blame stored in library form and filed away as if they were bills. In real life I hate libraries. I may love books but they overwhelm me beyond belief. Once I walk in the door, if I’m looking for a book, my mind goes blank and I all but panic. I can go only if I’m there to look at an historical display or a small, focused art exhibit. Noteworthy too is how much time I spent in the library reading encyclopedias when I was homeless. It probably doesn’t help my comfort level knowing that’s where I stayed warm when it was bitter cold on the street and colder at home.

The art therapy piece above was sketched during the session then colored at home. The therapist and I noted that recently my drawings express anger through hard lines and scratches. The first two are of a short writing piece about how my sister may have felt when the mother went on a date. It was written after therapy. The large butterflies and overbearing sun beat down on an flower bending it to near breaking point. Somehow it still manages to grow.

Therapy Review Show and Tell – Tuesday, June 01, 2010 – 1:53PM EST