At 5:11am I’m still awake. I could have gone to bed at midnight or even 1am but I chose to stay up. I seem to do that until my mind nearly breaks. Then and only then do I go to sleep.
Earlier today I read something on Post Secret that talked about how someone uses sleep deprivation as self injury. I do this. I do it a lot.
When I stay up this late it hurts. My body can handle it but my mind takes a serious beating. Insiders ask to go to bed but I stay up longer and longer until I nearly fall over. Its gotten so that before I go to bed I’ve got to nearly be out of my mind with emotional exhaustion or I won’t lay down.
Last night’s dreams included something very interesting. There was a little girl sleeping next to me in bed who woke up crying. She shook me to wake me because she wanted to tell me she’s tired of waking feeling sick and traumatized. She said she wished she knew what was going on inside her head but she had no idea because she didn’t remember the dreams that made her feel so bad. That night is one of the few nights out of many where I woke up and actually remembered what I dreamed.
For awhile now my dream memory has been spotty. I use to remember in vivid detail but for some reason I just stopped remembering my dreams. Since most of mine are nightmares one might think this is a good thing but it’s not. If I don’t know what’s going on in my unconscious mind then I can’t work to fix or care for it. I need to know what my dreams are. The dream work I’ve done has proven to work so when I don’t have memory of my dreams I’m just like that little girl, a crying mess with few answers. I need to remember my dreams.
The main theme of the last dream was that a 7 year old boy committed a small infraction of school rules and was sentenced to 3 years prison time. I stole and orange and instead of simply arresting me and letting everyone else go about their business the store went on lock down and the entire area was searched for ways I could have escaped their custody. They looked at all surveillance tapes to see exactly how I’d attempted the crime. Both cases people severely over-reacted. The young boy was charged as an adult for doing something every kid has done. He was put on the news and made to look like a monster. No one came to help him or say that the police took his childish antics too far. Nope, they just splashed his face on TV and told everyone he was going to prison for 3 years. In the case with me, I was guilty but everyone around me suffered because of what I did. Not only did they have to stay in the store with the lights out and doors locked the security team watched tapes to study my crime. It was a Homeland Security response to your everyday run of the mill shoplifter crime.
Now, if only I could let myself go to sleep so I can remember whatever my subconscious vomits up this morning.
I never thought of it this way, but I completely agree. I am often jealous of the cats because they can flop down and sleep anywhere. I guess it’s time to take a look at the way I behave at night.
*sigh*
Seems like I’m doing a lot of sighing lately.
I’ve stayed up playing Mahjong or games like it until my mind hurts.
Bejeweled was my choice. Now I play a Linux version of the same.
I’ve always been a night person, even as a child I would stay up late. My mom called me the no-sleeping-baby because I would stay up late for no reason. But a few years ago, I began to get depressed and used my natural ability to stay up late against me. When I was too chicken to cut, I would stay up past my limit on a night I knew I would have to wake up early. In fact, tonight is one of them. My limit is normally 4am. So basically, I wouldn’t sleep. But I leave everyone to think this is just my normal unusual sleep pattern… when actually I’m intentionally driving myself insane.
We drive ourselves to the edge over and over again. We play with fire repeatedly and never gain a thing by doing it, yet we keep doing it.
It’s 3:30am here. I have no business being up.
I have been doing this for years, and in times of increasing stress I do it all the more. I usually hide it behind workaholism. My job permits me to go beyond the regular workday (without additional pay, of course). This has meant 20 to 22 hour work days, seven days per week for the past nine weeks! Along with this, I employ other forms of deprivation. For example I sustain myself on less than 500 calories per day. Often, a single cup of coffee and a vending machine package of crackers is all I’ll have in 24 hours. I avoid all satisfying all forms of physical or emotional needs. I am a robot; getting by on no more than 1 to 2 hours of sleep if I go to bed at all. This, I assure you is a form of self-flagellation. Sure, I may not be “a cutter” or have flogging marks upon my back, but it’s just as destructive if not more. After a recent round of 79 hours without so much as a micro-nap or decent meal I experienced a seizure for all to see at work. The humilation of that event is fodder for my self-loathing that fuels my lifestyle. I avoid sleep, comfort, nurishment, or pleasure, at all costs. Is there a name for this? Is it insane? Oh yeah, but I have NO intention of changing.
I read the comments above in tears. My theory that I use sleep deprivation as self-harm is proven. God, grant me the strength to seek help.