I got a phone call from someone I hadn’t talked to in ten very long years. For a short time we shared a one bedroom apartment with my dog Captain Crunch in a building not too tolerant of people like myself. The relationship was short but I’ve seen this young woman on and off from time to time. I remember her as the only woman on the planet I could lay beside and feel safe. We may not have lasted long but the impression she made has remained in my memory as strong as the day she made it.
Earlier yesterday she revealed to me that her partner of 4 years is actually a registered sex offender. Now, of course I have issues with that and didn’t hide it when I was given this information. What my ex-girlfriend told me was that her partner “didn’t do it.” She said a 12 year old girl lied in open court and convinced a jury of 12 to convict her partner. She said there was DNA on the weapon used in the rape which had it been tested would have exonerated her. She said the reason it wasn’t tested was because the child’s mother didn’t want it tested. I was silent because that’s not how the law works. I know it and so does she.
Later in the conversation she told me that her partner didn’t serve any time but instead got 4 years probation and had to register as a sex offender for life. Part of her probation was that she couldn’t have more than one sexual partner at a time and could not posses pornographic materials of any kind. I have no idea what is lawful to include in probation agreements so I can’t say this is true or not true but what I do know is if I were told I couldn’t have porn in my possession or I’d go to prison then I’d not have porn. I guess this was too much to ask of this person. She got caught with it and went to prison for a year. Noteworthy is that the year she spent in jail is more than most get for jail time in a child molestation case in Indiana. In Indiana they get probation and put on a registry. It seems this person didn’t learn what she was to do as a sex offender so for the second time she is being charged with failure to register. My ex made an excuse for why she didn’t register and for why she will spend a second year in prison. None of this is the offenders fault. This all happens to her not because of her.
One might sit back stunned that anyone could date or lay beside a known pedophile. You have to ask yourself why she does it. Why does she stay with her when everyone around her knows the truth? It’s because she lies to herself. Like an alcoholic or drug addicts wife she lies to herself, to her friends and family. She makes excuses and even changes how she goes about her daily life all to support her denial of the truth. I can’t call my ex lazy because it takes a lot to live in denial. You have to work extra hard to bury the truth and build a life of lies that are sustainable. Living in denial isn’t for the lazy but it is for those who can’t stand the thought of looking themselves in the mirror with the knowledge that they failed themselves and those around them.
To admit what her partner is would be to admit that she got mixed up with a horrible person. She might wonder what it says about her for falling in love with someone who later turned out to be a threat to society. She might lie to herself and make excuses because those actions are easier than public shame and humiliation. Denial softens the blow or so she thinks. She lies to protect herself from herself and in doing so drives a deep wedge between reality and fantasy; between taking a stand for the truth and enabling threatening behaviors. Not until my ex gains confidence, self respect and a good distance from this person will she ever stop lying to herself.
Eight to ten years ago (way before Blossom) I date a woman who is now dating a convicted pedophile. So what does this say about me? It says I am like everyone else on the planet. I run into people who are unhealthy. However, like many before me and plenty after me I grew healthy enough to know the truth when heard. It took much longer to accept it but when I did there was no way I could hide it by lying to myself or others.
J of A
Monday, June 14, 2010, 1:01am EST
Austin,
Well said. You explained so well something that many of us have trouble comprehending. Sometimes denial is easier than facing the hard truth.
Paula
For some it may seem easier but denial will kill you faster than the truth ever could.
Thank you for your comment Paula.
“denial will kill you faster than the truth ever could”–that’s so well and truly said.
I also believe that people who involve themselves with known criminals/sociopaths have narcissistic reasons for doing so. If you’re involved with someone who is a total fuckup (this does not include you with your ex, because she is not the fuckup and what she has done since the two of you broke up has nothing to do with you) you sure don’t spend any time looking at yourself or working on your own issues. When you are with a known fuckup or someone with deep and intractable problems they will always be creating a shitstorm of drama and chaos that will pretty well occupy your life and keep you from having to look at your own shit.
Not to mention you always get to feel like a better person than they are. Marginally, anyways!
“Not to mention you always get to feel like a better person than they are.”
I think some have a horrible sense of self that is better managed when involving themselves with the dregs of society. The problem with that is they become enablers to offensive behaviors.
Bad association spoils useful habits. Never are we built up for good when we associate with bad. It just doesn’t happen.
Before this past June I would have agreed with this statement “She said there was DNA on the weapon used in the rape which had it been tested would have exonerated her. She said the reason it wasn’t tested was because the child’s mother didn’t want it tested. I was silent because that’s not how the law works. I know it and so does she.”, however I can no longer say that. Why?
Some one I know (a man) is being accuse of sexually molesting his daughter: twice on one day, but never before, never after, supposedly when she was 7 and she is now 13. Coincidentally the charges were filed a the day her mother was to report to family court for immediate removal of all the kids from the mothers care due to excessive physical abuse allegations. (He had been trying for 5 years to get them out of the house and the 16 yr old son finally wrote the attorneys an 8 page letter telling them what goes on in the house) Well now the girl is thirteen, and the mom hates the dad and we believe the mom made a deal with her to allow her to have a boyfriend (which she now does and apparently sleeps with on a regular basis at 13) in order to get the daughter to agree to making up the allegations.
It worked and he was arrested. but here is the kicker of the laws in regards to molestation in Indiana: even the lawyer said in these instances you have to prove your innocence and not the other way around. They have not presented any evidence against him (they took all three computers and found no porn at all) and all they have is her word against his.
He was let out on bail, BUT they put an ankle bracelet on him and he has been under house arrest for months. He can only drive to work and That’s it. Can’t even go to the store around the corner. He was told he can’t drink anay alcohol, period! WTF? Fortunately he doens’t drink but what does that have to do with it.
And Yes the mom gets to make all kinds of F*cking rules: he had supervised visit of his sons, she didn’t like it, so they just took his sons away. (I have the court papers)…Even when he could see them she objected to some board games she new the man liked playing with his sons so they got put on the restricted list and he could not play them. If they want picture of the sons events he can’t go to because he’s under arrest, all she has to do is say know. The fathers lawyers wanted certain test and interviews etc, but the mom has said no so they cant do them. they are only allowed to do them now because of the trial but the mom has had since Jan to teach the daughter what to say! he has never been in court yet but has been convicted by the state and pretty much under lock and key with house arrest all because of the nature of the charges.
So unfortunately, people do absolutely get arrested and convicted with little or no evidence in Indiana when it comes to sex crimes with children, because people still don’t want to believe that teenage girls will make up stuff like this to get back at men they don’t like! So if there was any way possible the mom could have objected to testing any of the evidence, I’m sure it was granted. I’m not saying the law actually allows it in that instance, but I am appalled that people accused of this have ZERO rights from the get-go and must PROVE THEIR INNOCENCE and not the other way around in the case of a divorced couple the accusing spouse just gets to take over….
Sadly it’s beginning to sound (by everything I keep reading) that he’s going to get convicted and even if he doesn’t spend a day in jail, will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. No one hires registered sex offenders, so one HUGE reason not to want to report it! ….I would never have believed this if i hadn’t seen all of it with my own eyes. Anyone reading his story would think they must have SOME evidence against him, but it’s not needed unfortunately. All a child has to do is say it, and then you’re done. You must prove you Didn’t do it, not the other way around. I’m sure in a rape case with a weapon you have a better chance of at least proving you didn’t do it, but the laws are jaded in this instance to protect kids from abuse.
Amber,
Hello, what I’m about to say isn’t said in anger so when you read this please know it’s said not with in a tone of anger or aggression. I need to let you know that what you said you said on a survivor’s blog. This blog is mainly about a woman who grew up being sexually abused by her mother and two other family members so to see you defend this person could easily be fuel on a fire.
Instead of debating his innocence or guilt I’d like to point out a few major differences in these situations. The person I’m talking about raped a young girl who is the daughter of a family friend. There was no divorce involved. The offender in this case is female. It is harder to get a conviction for a female offender. Also, when it comes to what evidence will be introduced the victim doesn’t get to choose that, that prosecutor does.
I think the major differences in these two cases is family friend and divorce situation.
The offender in this case has repeatedly violated her 4 year parole, even serving 2 years in prison because she can’t keep her hands off of pornography. There is ample evidence that this woman is guilty and that is why she was convicted. The amount of time she served, the length of her probation and the fact that she’ll register for life says something big about this particular female offender. There are “simple” things she could do to keep herself out of jail, she can’t drink for 4 years. For 4 years she can’t have pornography, she can’t have more than one sex partner. Her movements are restricted for 4 years. If I were innocent and didn’t want to go back to prison I think I’d leave Playboy alone and stay away from kids as well as not take a single drop of alcohol. Four years of restrictions for her and what did she break? She couldn’t stay away from keeping porn on her cellphone. Again, the differences in these cases are huge, just huge and I would not in the least bit attempt to compare them.
Sincerely,
Faith Austin