My Whole Name

Every single time I see this person write his name on the net he writes his chosen first, middle and last name. At this time I’ll call him Brian Michael Evans. After a little bit it got  annoying. I even thought to myself, is it so hard for you to write Brian M. Evans or Brian Evans and leave it alone? Why your whole name all the time? I get it, you have three names, so do I, get over yourself!

Despite going on and on with all sorts of criticism I was unable to shake that I do the very same thing. Most of the time when I write my name I write all three of my chosen names, Faith Magdalene Austin. Why do I do this, I thought? By now anyone who regularly reads this blog knows I chose this name rather carefully then changed it legally so that I could move past the pain of my old name. What I’ve come to realize is I still struggle to feel as if I exist in my own space without threat of extinction due to outside influences. What I mean is after years of dehumanization it is still a struggle for me to completely believe that I get to keep “me”.

My mother changed my name when she felt like it. She called me Jade, Star, Africa and a host of other names. My sister changed my name when we played together and changed it again when the “games” changed. I refuse to write what she called me. Suffice it to say my identity changed according to their mood and desires. In addition to be called by different first names I had actions as names. When my mother said I was a liar, a thief and disrespectful it wasn’t simply actions she referred to, she reduced me to those behaviors. I was a liar. I was a thief. I was disrespectful.  The problem is, I couldn’t depend upon being those things either because her mood would change which came with different names and name calling. Which one was me? Which one could I grab a hold to and say, “This is me. I’m this.” There was no concrete me because from early on  my identity was improperly assigned only to be stolen a short time later.

Who am I? My mother will give me the answer later.

Here I am now some 9 years after changing my name legally and 18 years after first settling on a name and I still find it hard to believe that I get to be called what I want to be called. I think I write my entire name as a record that I really do exist and by choice I am called Faith Magdalene Austin. If you ask me who I am or what my name is I’ll just say Faith but when I write I spell out my whole name so that I officially live.

I’m still shocked every single time I hear or see my chosen name. It’s almost as if there’s a small celebration because I’m still me and I’m still here. How could I not leap for joy? How could I not spell out each name carefully and claim my spot as if with a flag? This is mine. I am here.

I write my whole name for many reasons but the most powerful reason is that I exist in a life unable to be stolen or diminished by any man or any mother.

For those who would be irritated without further thought, well, they just don’t get it to do they?

Faith Magdalene Austin