Yesterday I found a box with my name on it sitting on the kitchen table. I attacked the box and opened it as if it were there specifically because its my own special holiday. As I tore open the box, what did I find? Cookies! I bit into one and then picked up another. Who knew if there was something else in the box. All I saw was a container of cookies. That’s when the rest of the world disappeared. There would be time to read the card later, for now I needed to feed my face.
Monthly Archive for June, 2010
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That may have been one of the worst sessions I’ve had in a very long time and it’s been forever since I threw up in the session. I just came straight home and went to sleep then got up about an hour ago to eat the very first bite of the day. Gracious, I first ate at 11 in the evening. I’m still tired…. or still running. WOW! I don’t even want to touch it yet. I don’t even know if I can.
Faith
After a long bath I had a very short phone call then got myself ready to see my friend “Midori.” Mi and I ended up on the front porch smoking a cig in the rain which for me was quite awesome. It was nice because we’d spent a good amount of time talking to one another and sharing of ourselves with few inhibitions. One of the most pleasing things to me was that this took place in my home. Hardly ever do I have company here. My home is my safe place and I don’t let just anyone in. If I don’t trust you then you’ll never set foot in my home. If I’m not comfortable you’ll never be invited back, ever. My home is my safe place and I don’t open it to just anyone. To have such good conversation and to feel safe doing it in my safe place made this an evening to remember.
Every single time I see this person write his name on the net he writes his chosen first, middle and last name. At this time I’ll call him Brian Michael Evans. After a little bit it got annoying. I even thought to myself, is it so hard for you to write Brian M. Evans or Brian Evans and leave it alone? Why your whole name all the time? I get it, you have three names, so do I, get over yourself!
Despite going on and on with all sorts of criticism I was unable to shake that I do the very same thing. Most of the time when I write my name I write all three of my chosen names, Faith Magdalene Austin. Why do I do this, I thought? By now anyone who regularly reads this blog knows I chose this name rather carefully then changed it legally so that I could move past the pain of my old name. What I’ve come to realize is I still struggle to feel as if I exist in my own space without threat of extinction due to outside influences. What I mean is after years of dehumanization it is still a struggle for me to completely believe that I get to keep “me”.
I got a phone call from someone I hadn’t talked to in ten very long years. For a short time we shared a one bedroom apartment with my dog Captain Crunch in a building not too tolerant of people like myself. The relationship was short but I’ve seen this young woman on and off from time to time. I remember her as the only woman on the planet I could lay beside and feel safe. We may not have lasted long but the impression she made has remained in my memory as strong as the day she made it.
Over a week ago I went into the kitchen to put my silverware in the dishwasher then went back to my area of the house for my plates. When I returned to the kitchen every stitch of my silverware was gone. I turned to Fife Senior and asked where it was, that’s when I was informed that it was his because his daughter gave it to him. I told him that I purchased it to which he offered doubt. After a few minutes of bickering back and forth I walked away certain that he wasn’t giving my silverware back. Two days later he came up to me and told me that he looked at the silverware and noticed differences, but since he wasn’t sure which were his and which were mine he was going to keep it all. Every stitch of silverware I own-ed is now in his bedroom in a box being kept because he doesn’t know what to give back and what to keep.
Thank you friend for not saying, “Spit it out, go on, you can do it. What are you trying to say?” and other annoying things as I struggled to find my words.
Thank you Google for letting me do extensive research on the “company” that hosts the so-called seminar. Through research and verification I was able to discover that their doctor isn’t a doctor in the United States until he finishes several programs.
Thank you cool breeze for letting me leave my window open last night.
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