Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

very, very stupid, just stupid. yuck.

plain, unadulterated stupidity.

I walked down a path I knew damn well could lead to self destruction.  what in the hell is wrong with me?

I’ll call Dr. D tomorrow and hope beyond anything I can get my head back on straight.

I ignored warning signs. First off I had nightmares about my sister last night and had great difficulty getting myself started today. I wasn’t just physically slow I was emotionally dragging yet I kept going. The second sign was in the store when I kept saying to myself, I can’t do this. I just want to go home. I forced myself to stay there because I didn’t want to be that broken mental health person who makes plans but can’t go through with them because she’s got too many PTSD symptoms to deal with. I stayed for the shopping trip then promptly ignored sign three that I wasn’t doing well at all. I had to pull over because I wasn’t safe enough to drive. That was ridiculous on my part to not say something.

The other day when I saw my sister my first thought was to shave my head. I wanted some sort of self deprecating act, something significant. I promised myself I’d never shave my head again…. besides I have an appointment for dreadlocks on Sunday. I can’t do that bald!!!! I won’t shave my head but I do need to keep other acts of self destruction in check.

My triggers have been too many in the past week. I just want to hide in my house for the next three years or so.

This is just stupid, plain stupid!!!

Man I’m hungry!!! I had Chinese a few hours ago but a cardio work out surely ate up those calories.  I need to put something on my stomach before going to sleep. I’ll deal with working towards self forgiveness tomorrow, for now I’m hungry as hell.

me – so damn stupid!!!!!!!!