Grace: You did what?! What were you thinking?!
Me: I don’t know.
Grace: But why? Why!
Me: I don’t know.
Grace: Why?!
Me: Sabotage and self destruction.
Grace: Ah, there it is, there it is right there. I thought so.
Sometimes when the phone rings my muscles tighten and anxiety shoots through me. Other times it rings and the voice on the other end is the exact one I need to hear. After I hung up I thought to myself, I can do this. I’m not finished just yet.
One of the things I appreciate about her response to this situation is how raw it was. She had an honest, unrefined response which to me was more helpful than a non-committal therapeutic response. There was judgment in her voice and with no further questions I was able to know where she stands. If she had asked the way my therapist would have perhaps the answer wouldn’t have been so easy to get to. My therapist would have said, “Why do you think you did that?” We would have eventually gotten to the real answer but it took being backed against a wall by someone I trust to get the real answer out of me right away.
I need the non-committal answers from my therapist because they let me explore when necessary. They’re also non-confrontational which lets me sit in a non-threatening environment. I also need my friends to jump my ass when I do something stupid. I need them to ask me what the heck is wrong with me and why I did what I did. These two different responses have one goal in mind, getting to the bottom of things with the purpose of helping me move forward. In order to grow further I need both these responses from a trusted source. I count myself blessed to have both.
Tomorrow/later today I’ll go into therapy and deal with this a little more. As Grace said, this is just the beginning. It will get harder, but I was reminded that I have coping skills to help me through those times. Despite the fact that this is my fault it’s good to know I’m not going to go through this alone or without prior training to deal with things of this magnitude.
This is gonna hurt………and I’m scared…..I want to turn the clock back.
J of A
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