Dr. D and I talked about my how much I learned about life after I left home. I had no idea children in high school didn’t pay rent while living at home. I had no idea adult children at home live with their parents rent free. I guess because I paid rent in high school and after that everyone paid rent to their parents and that nothing at all was free, ever. I didn’t know this until DJ moved back in with his father. This whole free living thing blows me away. I’m confused by it I think.
We also discussed how daily life with PTSD feels like I’m in a cage fight I can’t win. PTSD feels like a constant assault, like I walk down the street and get punched in the jaw simply because I’m there. I shake it off and keep going. I go a few blocks more and get tagged on the other jaw. I shake it off and keep going just to do the same thing 2 blocks down then 2 more blocks down. That is what triggers are like for me, like getting assaulted every few blocks. Out of the blue someone (triggers) just knocks me across my jaw and I’m to gather myself and keep going like my face doesn’t hurt. My face hurts.
‘I (don’t) Know Why the Caged Bird Sings’ . Remind me again please, Maya Angelou.
We talked about how I was certain my mother could read my mind and that my thoughts were not my own. She told me she knew everything about me and that I couldn’t hide anything from her. I guess I never thought I had anything to myself and that I totally belonged to her.
He and I talked about triggers because it seems as if they’re everywhere and in the most simple tasks. Yesterday while doing laundry I dropped a sock on the floor and immediately felt dread. I was reminded of how harsh she could be for the most simple mistakes. The entire load was rewashed if I dropped one item on the floor. I paid for it big time! It also reminded me that we never mixed our clothing in wash loads. My clothes were washed separately from my mother’s and my sister’s. None of us ever mixed clothing, ever. When I did her clothing it was another time she set me up to fail. Who is able to do several loads of laundry without dropping a single thing? You know how you give a kid a big cup of soda and say a hundred times, “Don’t spill it.” then they do? Yeah, it was like that. The pressure to get it right was incredible, the consequences of getting it wrong included shame.
We talked about money and how things have gotten so bad that as early as the 6th of each month I’m down to about $20 for the rest of the month. A “friend” of mine asked me how it feels to be poor. Who in the hell asks something like that anyway? My answer was that I don’t remember what it feels like because I haven’t been poor in a long time. I’m destitute, not poor. Poor had me worried, destitute has me fearful and tearful. I strongly considered re-homing Gus because I simply cannot afford him but after a bit of thought, I can’t afford to not have him. Me without a furry K-9 isn’t a good idea so he’s staying as is the cat. Things have to get better, they absolutely have to get better. I feel worn down by it all. Thank God I don’t have human children or I’d really be screwed. I get $640 and my rent is $425. I pay my car insurance and buy basics, dog food and cat food. After that I’ve got about $20 left over and $30 in food stamps. How in the hell am I to live off that? Yeah, I’m in tears a lot anymore.
The last thing we talked about was trying to stay grounded after my colossal flub up in which I let myself down and my friends. It seems out of the blue my eyes fog over and I’m gone for a bit. I come back and all I’m doing is staring into space frozen in some zoned out position. Despite the fact that I’ve done very little journaling about it I have at least done some sketches about it as well as other non-related sketches. Shesh, I’ve actually updated the art site twice in the last week. It sat there idle for so long it wasn’t even funny. I kinda like the two new ones. My favorite of the two is called She sings my tune, she knows all the words . I really like that one as well as the person its named after. That was a very cool and positive experience.
That’s all for now,
Austin
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