This afternoon the sun beat down mercilessly on Indianapolis as Juan Pablo Montoya took the pole psotion at the 2010 Brickyard 400. The city is drenched in sweat and filled to the brim with stereotypical Nascar fans siding with the hot tempered and reckless Carl Edwards or his rival Brad Keselowski. The whole city wondered just how insane it would get if fans clashed the way these temporarily suspended professionals clashed. I put that worry aside and concerned myself with my own insane world ready to explode track side.
Two hours into DJ’s half baked plan for revenge I returned to his hiding place to see if he was ready to come back in the shack. When I rounded the corner he said to me, “You know what’s going to happen don’t you? We’re going to be on the news. Look at me, I’m perfect for the news today.” He was right, the only time people are on the news is when they’re acting stupid and look horrible. He was unshaven looking like Big Foot dawning biker tats, an oil stained white T-shirt and a pair of jeans. He’s got a bald head and a hot temper, all perfect for the news. To make matters worse I had on a gray T-shirt (inside out and on backwards with bleach stains), a baggy pair of jeans and my sock monkey house slippers hiding tie dye socks. Lets not forget the half burnt cigarette hanging out of my mouth. Oh yeah, we were going to be on the news alright, sure as the day is hot and miserable we were going to be on the news. With this reality DJ abandoned his post and went inside. Too bad that’s not where the story ends.
I came into the house to clean up because what I put on was just to go outside and deal with what I thought was an emergency. Originally my shirt was on correctly but I didn’t have on my …. um…. sling… so I put that on in a hurry and ended up putting the shirt back on inside out and backwards. With that said, it was time to clean up and avoid being seen all countryfied on television. As you know, only toothless, poorly dressed, drunken Nascar fans are shown on television. They never show the clean cut fans. They never show fans like me (yes I’m a Nascar fan) when I’m dressed right or on a day when I’m not dealing with my roommate.
Soooo, as I cleaned up and made myself a cup of coffee I saw DJ race by the window into the neighbor’s backyard. This was the yard where DJ left the three stolen items so he could catch the thief when he came back for them. I thought the thief was back so I went to the far end of the house and looked out the window to see DJ shaking the hand of some middle aged gentleman. It seems the people who pulled up in a red 4×4 were just moving in, not pulling the truck up to take the stolen items. Our new neighbors were greeted by a bald, tattooed, muscular cursing man who accused them of daytime robbery. Lets just say that isn’t the type of greeting or first impression one wants to offer to people they’ll live next door to for the next 20 or 30 years. And…. a handshake with a nervous chuckle isn’t enough of an apology for running up on someone like that. He came running around the corner full speed yelling and cursing with his red face and bald head. When DJ told me who they were I laughed so hard I cried. Those poor people.
Not only does DJ bring attitude to the house he brings comedy and potential law suits from poor innocent neighbors just trying to settle in to what they hoped would be a nice, quiet existence. Good luck with that!
Congrats to Montoya and to Indianapolis for not beating each other down and feeding into the idea that all Nascar fans are drunken hillbillies looking for a fight. Thank you hillbilly roommate for comically protecting this tin roof shack from skinny, slimy thieves who audaciously leap rusted up fences for broken down equipment.
Stay tuned for previews of next week’s episode of How the Hillbilly’s Life Turns………
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