A Place, A Purpose

I expect to blend in, maybe even blend away when I go in public. I expect to be easily forgotten, easily ignored or not seen at all. I figure I won’t draw too much attention to myself, and any attention I get will be brief. I’ve always thought of myself as easily dismissed for something a bit more stimulating. Expendable is a good word to describe me.

Today I compared myself to an empty oyster shell found at the bottom of the bay. A person could find it, expect to see something beautiful inside, but when they open me up I’m empty, just a shell. I see myself this way and always have.

Not feeling worthy of attention has both positive and negative effects. First off I feel protected because I don’t stick out, second of all I feel even more insignificant. If there were a third to add I’d say I feel ridiculous because sometimes it feels like I’m one of those jumping dogs trying to get attention from its owner. The little guy gets on his hind legs and leaps in the air begging for the tiniest scarp and happy with whatever he gets.

Feeling insignificant makes me feel safe but it also drives home how worthless I feel.

Admittedly, I put myself in situations that remind me that I’m nobody or that I’m here for service and nothing more. It’s almost as if I seek those situations out, but when I find one where “service” isn’t required I don’ t know what to do with myself. I don’t know the rules, don’t know what’s expected of me. If I sat in a room with my mother I could watch for cues as to what is expected of me then follow with the correct actions. I knew why I was in her room. I knew I was there for service and a certain part of me almost needs that clear cut ……..I don’t know, my mind went blank.

I think that knowledge of my place gave me a sense of belonging. Undoubtedly I hated being owned and was often afraid and in great pain. That’s not what I’m talking about needing, it’s the feeling of knowing what I was there for, that feeling of having a purpose and a place. That is what I miss, a purpose and a place. That’s got to sound so weird. All the crap that woman put me through, to say I have any longing for it at all must sound like I’ve lost my mind. But when you know who or even what you are, if you know what is expected of you and how to act then at least you have a map for the road you’re on. At this point I feel like I have no map, no ground rules. I feel lost and without a purpose. I feel empty like an oyster shell at the bottom of the bay.

Sometimes I feel like all I really have to give is sexual favors.  Hell, I’ve been doing this since I was a child, age 3 to be exact. So I still wonder, is this what I’m here for? I think to myself, at least she likes me right now. At least she’s happy with me right now. And for right now I’m not a jumping dog because she was nice enough to toss me a tiny little scrap.

I’m babbling now and this entry is all over the place. I should sleep… maybe eat something today. My therapy week is over so I should maybe rest and attempt to do something productive like clean my house or wash the dog.