This may sound as if I’m completely out of my mind but I’m writing this as an example of how someone pushed by financial strain can begin to re-think what they would or wouldn’t do for money. What I’m going to say may shock some, others may be able to relate. All that is to say, what you may read here is something you may not have ever thought you’d hear me say but rest assured, it’s something I never really thought I’d seriously consider.
Several years ago a so-called friend of mine suggested that I open a website for people who like to look at naked photos of big black women. When he suggested it I was livid. I was offended and crushed that he’d think I’d be willing to take my clothes off for money. Oh my goodness, I was livid!! Here I am now in worse financial shape than before and the idea of sex for money doesn’t seem so bad.
I know many people lost their home to foreclosure, many families had to use a food pantry or go to a homeless shelter. We heard about those families who didn’t have enough but hardly ever do we hear about single people who don’t have enough. Here it is the 22nd of the month and I sit with one roll of restroom tissue, and until a few days ago there was nothing at all to buy more. We’re talking about basics like toothpaste, deodorant, restroom tissue and feminine hygiene products gone way before there’s money to buy more. Food is scarce because my food stamp amount is low. Food pantries are tapped and give very little to single households. It kind of makes being single with no children a real burden during this time.
As time goes on and nothing improves and I find myself with $5 or $10 left on the 3rd of the month, my mind starts to go a bit wild wondering what I can do for faster cash. Recently someone who actually has a bit of money offered me $1,000 for a Dominatrix session where I was to be the Domme in a pre-scripted fantasy. A grand is pretty standard for the type of session she wanted. Anyway, years ago had she asked me to do this I would have responded in anger, but this time I didn’t. I just politely declined and said I wasn’t in to that. I’m not, but had she wanted mainly ‘vanilla’ I’m not so certain I would have told her no.
So here’s the thing, I find myself more and more depressed and in despair over being this flat broke. I end up suicidal when I realize that the most simple things are not here and that it’s going to be the same exact way next month and the month after that, so on and so forth. I guess I just figured if someone wanted to pay me for sex why not, at least then I’d have the basics, at least then I wouldn’t walk around ANGRY and worried about how I’ll pay for new underclothes, a bra, basics.
I talked to Dr. D about it and told him I don’t view sex as something reserved for someone I love. I never have. I’ve been doing this since I was 3 years old, what’s the difference now if I’m paid for it? I’m not certain if he realized that I was dead serious about it because he was so quiet. Now, I’m not talking about walking the streets or for the love of Pete advertising on Craigslist. I’d rather not say how this can be done. Lets just say, there’s very much a market for lesbian services in a more private circuit here in Indy.
So what of dignity and self respect? For a grand an hour I can buy it. I can also buy basics. I’m joking about buying self respect and dignity. I guess I’m just saying that for me sex has always been a weapon (for or against me) and it has been a service by me to others. For me it means nothing, it’s a way to pass the time, it’s a fun activity with no depth at all. It’s just something I’ve always done… like breathing … yeah, like that.
Well, I guess I’m saying all this because we hardly ever hear broke people talk about the darker things that cross their minds when they’re desperate. We hear about what they don’t have, and we hear about how much they worry, but hardly ever does anyone come right out and say, I’m seriously considering becoming a call girl to make ends meet. I’m just saying that desperation can often take us down a road we never, ever thought we’d travel. So far I haven’t traveled down that road but I can’t say I won’t. Who knows what the economy will hand us, or what frame of mind I’ll be in next month. I do know one thing, fighting tooth and nail for the very basics gets old and it robs a person of every stitch of energy they have.
I should add, there’s no way on earth I’m going to open up a website with my photos on it. That’s out of the question.
Faith
Oh goodness I can relate. I’ve often used sex as a bargaining tool for what I needed. One way I earned money (or tried to I was pretty lousy at the job) was phone sex. Only investment was a fee for a second phone line. Kept me from being homeless. Having cleaning disgusting public toilets ( when I was homeless) I think selling myself would be a whole lot better!
Sucks to be desperate.
i was worried about posting this but i did anyway. thank you so much for your comment.
my thought about face to face is that i can see the person and know who i’m dealing with…sort of. i think talking on the phone or having a site would freak me out a bit. it also seems to take a bit of control out of the situation.
i saw on CSI recently where guys were purchasing used underclothes for big money. to me, buying used panties is just gross, but i hear it makes good money. i’d also be afraid of people with fetish issues. i just don’t know that anyone with a panty fetish who would buy from a total stranger is that stable. i don’t want to deal with them at all.
I can understand the control issue but feared the safety issue of an in person exchange. At least on a phone my space is controlled by me and unreachable by the other voice. (I was working with an agency that gave me anonymity. calls came through an 900 number). I was squicked by the whole thing and did not last too long. Was in tears most every night from feeling degraded but at least those tears weren’t from the fear being so poor I might be homeless. Not a win win situation at all.
I have also thought of writing for sex sites as its easier for me to write fantasies than voice/act on them.
Sucks to have to even think of doing these things doesnt it?
I have one friend who gets things from freecycle type places and then sells them on craigslist. I suppose some would frown on that but nowhere is it written that you have to keep the things you get.
What a hard situation to be in. I have no idea how to support you in thinking about this but I just want you to know you are brave for writing about it. It sounds like you’re already thinking about things like safety and your personal comfort zones, which is important. I hope Dr. D took you seriously and you can keep talking about it with him next time :/
@ Ann and JewishGal,
Fear has kind of taken a hold of me and really messed with my head. I think what you said Ann is very true, the aftermath of it will be difficult to handle. I think right now that I can do it but after its over what mental shape will I be in? Right now when I have basics (thank goodness) I can be a bit more reasonable but when I’m seriously desperate (like I was less than a week ago) the idea seems so much better and doesn’t feel like a cop out. For me prostitution of any kind is a cop out because I have marketable skills. It’s just that I get really afraid, fear with depression can lead to desperate and risky thinking.
There’s a huge issue which lead up to this thought process of being a Domme for hire that I’m working on with my therapist. It wasn’t simply that I was asked by an acquaintance/friend that the idea to go “pro” came up. There’s actually a series of events that lead up to this thinking…being broke, a proposition, a trigger, etc, etc.
I didn’t work on any of this while on my therapy vacation but its time to work on it again (sigh) now that therapy is back on.
This whole entry is mainly to show the darker side of poverty and how your mind can yo-yo on you. One minute you’re read to sell yourself but with a few bucks in your pocket you have a sigh of relief. When you’re seriously broke and in need, desperation sets in and your thinking can get wonky. This whole entry is about the darker thinking of poverty.
I get it Austin. I get it. I’ve got a fuckin’ master’s degree and there are no jobs AT ALL. I do not know how it’s gonna work. I just do not know.
I’m glad you are taking the time to consider all the issues up and down. I have known a couple of women who worked as dommes. If you want to know more about the conversations we had about their work you can email me.
hugs
wily
What I want is to talk myself out of it yet I worry I’ll end up so desperate that I’ll do something stupid. Right now I’m not in a desperate state of mind, which means I remember and can see clearly just how devastating this would be for me. I know my history as bottom with my mother as top. I can think about the aftermath and understand completely the consequences of going anywhere near BDSM.
I’d like to refer back to the rather graphic art piece I posted a few days ago discussing my first lessons at home.
http://www.sundrip.com/journal/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Basic-Training-art-therapy.jpg
Sometimes when I’m broke AND triggered by other things I think the risk is worth it, but most of the time I don’t.
I can understand looking for any means possible to get money. I was quite psychotic at the poorest point in my life, so the idea never even crossed my mind, but I have no doubt that if I had been in a clearer state, I probably would have sold myself for sex or at least seriously considered it.
I do hope that some other opportunity comes along to make more money so you don’t have to resort to this. Even if it doesn’t bother you in the moment, the aftermath will be quite traumatic to deal with.
Thanks for being so honest Austin…
I’ve been in this place in the past – especially while at university. When things were really bad, I’d often “discover” money in my wallet that wasn’t there before. At the time, I didn’t think too much of it… it was a highly dissociated experience. But, the effects showed even though I wasn’t aware of what was happening – in particular, my eating disorder got out of control.
I can understand the place you’re in, and I’m really sorry you’re there. One thing to consider, is whether your current level of healing would allow the dissociative walls that the experience would need? Would you be able to protect the different parts of you from the confusion the actions would potentially bring?
Wishing you all the best,
CG
yup, it’s not even close to a good idea.
When you dig deep, how many of us haven’t had sex for the “wrong” reasons – whatever “wrong” means? I’ve had sex for acceptance, security, to keep a boyfriend, to be cool, to keep a friend and to ensure I had transportation. I did it to escape being at home, which having a boyfriend let me do. I don’t see how having sex for money is any different than having it for some other reasons.
With all that said, I really hope something else comes about for you. Doing it and living with it are two different things. Could I do it if I needed money desperately? Sure think I could. Would it take a huge toll on me and would I suffer? I’m positive I would. I wouldn’t want that for you.
“I wouldn’t want that for you.”
Thank you Enola, very much, thank you.