Monthly Archive for September, 2010

Stuff We Don’t Talk About

Published on September 30, 2010 in For the Record, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 8 Comments Tags: , .

These questions aren’t psych related but female health related. I don’t know the answer to these questions and pretty much don’t have anyone to ask.  If I have a cold I can go to my doctor and ask questions about snot. That’s covered by my insurance but I can’t go in and ask basic questions about my body and have it covered by my insurance. Heck, I could look up stuff on Google but who knows if the answer is right or not. I feel kind of stuck really cause I have so many embarrassing questions with so few answers. I have questions about sex, about my body, about love after 40 and a few questions about aging.

Here we go:  I can’t believe I’m actually going to say these things then press publish. Gracious!

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The Young Version of Me

Published on September 26, 2010 in Letters Home. 6 Comments Tags: , .

Ah yes, family photos!

In these you’ll see my Pretty in Pink years, the years I thought Corey Hart was the greatest person on earth and my sister’s “I’m so hot” poses. There’s a rather embarrassing one of me with a piece of wheat in my mouth while holding a guitar (which I don’t know how to play). There’s one where my sister and I have “dukey braids” and others of me, little duck, at various stages of duckling-hood.

Quack!

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Stone Faced

Published on September 22, 2010 in Anxiety, Art Therapy, Depression, Emotions, PTSD, Therapy and Trust. 5 Comments Tags: .

I brought in the print out of the entry I wrote about my attempt not being serious enough. We went over it and he said he dropped the ball.

In the entry I asked the question: Did I say something that made you think I had it all under control? The answer to that question is yes. I have a really bad habit of appearing calm and in control when I’m actually falling apart.  So, even though I said ‘I want to die. I can’t do this anymore’ my body language said, ‘I’m fine. I have it all under control.’

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Bert and Ernie

Published on September 21, 2010 in Humor and Pets. 3 Comments Tags: .

I looked in the terrarium and found just one toad instead of two which means somewhere in the house is a dried up toad’s body. It seems Bert has run off somewhere leaving his partner Ernie behind so I went and picked up another toad so she wouldn’t be alone. Ernie is a girl, Ernestine is her name. Here’s the new Bert or as I like to call her B2.

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No Middle Ground

Published on September 19, 2010 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Pets and Relationships. 7 Comments

I have very black and white thinking when it comes to most things including my cat. I either like her or I don’t. I think she’s the sweetest thing on earth or I wish I’d never brought her here. She’s called the perfect cat or the worst cat I’ve ever had followed by a vow to never get another cat again. It occurred to me the other day that I have no middle ground with her. She’s good or she’s bad.

I look at Gus and think he’s a good dog with issues. I look at him and think he’s a sweet gentle monster with a huge head and clumsy feet. I have middle ground with him. I know what his issues are and most of the time I can see past them for all his good.

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Retreat! Retreat!

Published on September 18, 2010 in Anger, Depression and Relationships. 7 Comments Tags: .

You let me say something funny and I’ll have people all over me but let me say something about suicide and I can all but hear them yell “Retreat! Retreat!” as they run for the hills.

I told my two best friends that I was suicidal. The first woman talked to me on the phone for about 45 min (our conversations are always much longer than that) then I didn’t hear from her for another week. I called her. The other woman justifiably was unable to call. I talked to the first woman again and asked why she stopped calling and she said it was because she got side tracked with other things. She got side tracked with Farmville on Facebook and with the live feeds for Big Brother Twelve. She then said she wasn’t sure how to handle it when someone says they’re suicidal.  She didn’t know if it made it worse to bring it up so she said nothing at all.

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Suicide. Therapy. Questions.

Published on September 15, 2010 in Anger, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: .

We talked in therapy today about a suicide attempt I made August 7th and how I felt I really should have gone in way before it ever got that bad. I was disappointed in myself that I didn’t act. I was also disappointed and maybe a little angry that Dr. D didn’t quite hear me when I told him that I was in trouble. Several times I told him I was in trouble and on the edge but what we focused on was how difficult it was for me to leave the house. What exactly could he have said to let me know he heard me? I think he should have suggested that I go in.

I am well aware that I am ultimately responsible for myself so I don’t want to make it sound as if my attempt could have been stopped by Dr. D. I know for myself I should have acted. I should have gone in but I didn’t. Not feeling heard is a different issue than my inaction.

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