Wednesday, September 1st, 2010 notes read in therapy
***comments are closed. this is for my personal reference.***
Sodomy hurts but at least I didn’t have to see her face. At least she wasn’t looking me dead in the eye searching for a reaction. I could hear her but I couldn’t see her and she didn’t have a clear view of my face.
Clitoral torture…this is when a vibrator wand is held on the clitoris until orgasm but then left there until it physically hurts and until the body is all but in a seizure. As a child I tried not to think about anything at all. I tried to go away after the initial orgasm because after that it’s just pain and pain is easy to push back. I hate my mother for that.
There’s anger at the child I use to be for being afraid, for everything really, for throwing up, for not being able to leave through the whole thing. If the act itself isn’t bad enough I then had to look at the mother day in and day out as if nothing at all happened, as if she didn’t break me the day before. That level of humiliation is unbearable. I went to school, went to gatherings, to the movie, on vacation all as if I hadn’t been broken. I ate dinner, got dressed and went through with daily activities all as if life was normal.
I absolutely hate telling you shit like this because I don’t know how you get it out of your head. I don’t know if are able to let go of it or if what I say in sessions will ruin you as a person. I don’t want to be a burden with details that hurt other people.
***comments are closed. this is for my personal reference.***
Dr. D offered to reschedule Monday’s appointment which has been canceled due to Labor Day but I declined. I like the thought of an extra day off. Therapy is hard right now. I’ll take any holiday I can get.
I watched trash TV, ate dinner, painted a little then had a hot mug of Jasmine Green Tea with honey and a warm lemon cookie. Yum. I’m now ready to climb under lavender scented covers with Gus and The Fluffy One herself. This night is officially over.
0 Responses to “Edge Play and Abuse”