I should be asleep but I keep putting it off. My mind keeps running in circles. Nearly in a panic I feel. This is crazy because I know I have clonapin I can take or I could take a hot shower, sip a cup of tea, a bunch of stuff but I DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP. I hate sleep. Yeah, I had a funny dream the other night but putting off sleep has more to do with letting it all go, closing my eyes and trusting the unknown. Sleep is a strange state to be in.
Monthly Archive for October, 2010
It’s a bit chilly outside, maybe even bordering cold but that’s not a complaint. This year I have something extra in my arsenal that may allow me to enjoy the season as it was meant to be enjoyed. Last winter I changed out all the bulbs in my house to daylight bulbs. The bulbs are designed to help people with Seasonal Affective Disorder. In addition to helping with that they’ve also helped keep my plants alive because they mimic natural sunlight. Unlike soft white bulbs they aren’t harsh and don’t give me a headache. It took a little while but I did finally change out each and every bulb to these rather helpful life savers. The bulbs alone made winter significantly easier. Seeing live, flourishing plants didn’t hurt either.
This winter I have “medication” that will help ease the pain of Lupus and Degenerative Joint Disease as well as a host of other physical problems that cause chronic pain. It is this aide that I hope will let me not just survive winter but maybe even enjoy it.
This is the dream I woke from this morning.
My grandparents somehow booked Aerosmith to play in their basement at my private party. The prized Steven Tyler sang ‘Dream On’ while my friends went wild. Just as the song reached the first chorus, Milli Vanilli crashed the party and began singing ‘Girl You Know its True’. To make matters worse, a large dance group that accompanied Milli Vanilli began doing the macarena.
It seems Little Orphan Izzy is a bit small for her age so she had to be put on different formula. Despite her small stature its apparent her lungs are fully developed as is her need to escape her little box bed. No worries though, Papa Gus is right there to see what she’s doing. When ever he hears her little body tumble 8 inches to the floor from the top of her box he comes a runnin’.
In addition to her rough start as an orphan, Izzy ended up with a small eye infection which had to be looked at. I have to clean her face and watch it. No worries there either, its not slowing her down one bit.
A long, long time ago my mother told me that one day I’d be taken captive from her and be raped, tortured and possibly killed. In this no-name place I’d be asked to confess to crimes I didn’t commit. I’d be sleep deprived, hungry and ready to die but before I did they’d escort me into a dimly lit room, sat at a small table, given a pencil and forced to write my life story. Every word I said would be scrutinized, misconstrued and used against me. She said I’d need to learn to say exactly what I mean with no ambiguity. I’d need to be clear and never leave an open ended statement which could insure my execution. I needed to be prepared she said.
I think people should have to carry a license that certifies them as capable of 1) properly raising a child and 2) raising said child along side other families. If people aren’t capable of doing that they should be sterilized, yes, I said sterilized because that way I don’t have to go outside and interrupt their Jerry Springer-like lives just to get my neighborhood back on track. This is in fact my neighborhood. It’s MY STREET. Austin Street, and all the kids know it. I’ve already told them not to act crazy on my corner. I don’t have issues with anyone in my neighborhood and the kids are quite respectful to me… cause it’s my street!
Continue reading ‘Please Return to the Trailer Park Immediately’
The problem with me and ‘that girl’ is according to her website entries, I’m exactly what she was looking for. She needed someone with a violent past who would reenact their pain on her. She needed someone broken, angry and ill. No one healthy would do what she wanted done. I was perfect!
When I saw her I had few red flags. I looked at her and worried but I thought it was because of my past not because of something she was doing. We went on a few dates and things seemed to be going very well then in an instant it all changed. The person I really enjoyed spending time with showed her true colors. At first I thought it would be fine for me to say no and tell her why but it became apparent to me that the stories were exactly what she wanted to hear. She wanted me to tell her what my mother did to her then do it to her. She wanted me to reenact the abuse with me as my mother and her as young me.
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