Monthly Archive for December, 2010

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Three Seconds

Published on December 21, 2010 in Anxiety, Emotions and Fear. 0 Comments

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but my mood switches so quickly that its frightening. Earlier today I attempted to fix the TV but when it didn’t work correctly the first time I was ready to break the thing. Only a split second later did Morton pop out and take a look at it with complete calm. He didn’t get it right away and in an instant that same feeling of being overwhelmed by the mere wind took over. That lasted just a few seconds and there was Morton again. He fixed the TV and now I feel just as crazy as I did an hour or two ago.

I don’t know if this is rapid switching or if there’s something else going on but my mood is very unstable.

The Mother on Christmas Eve

Published on December 18, 2010 in Abuse, Anger, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Fear, Female Sadist, PTSD and Relationships. 1 Comment

Usually I have many negative things to say about DJ but this entry is hugely different. Friday morning my head was everywhere with fear that my mother would show up Christmas Eve. Since she can’t contact me by phone I’ve been worried that she’ll show up. Yesterday morning the fear factor kicked in enough that I had a difficult time getting myself grounded again. I put a call in to my therapist but I wasn’t sure when he was going to be able to call back so I turned right around and called DJ upstairs and told him I was scared out of my mind. I could hardly talk because I was crying so hard. He told me that everything would be okay and that I’m safe and can go to sleep now. He talked to me for a few minutes then I snuggled on the sofa with Gus and Mary Jane for what felt like the entire day.

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DREAM: Flies in my Purse

Published on December 17, 2010 in Abuse, Dreams, Emotional abuse, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

It’s been two days since I had this dream.

My mother and I went to an intimate dinner together. We went to the type of restaurant where dates go for solitude, quiet and good wine. Instead of our table being far off in a corner we sat sort of in the middle of the restaurant at a small round table for two. When the waiter came to bring my food I noticed maggots in my baked potato. My mother’s food was just fine. She ate and waited for the check. When the check arrived I pulled from my bag a small maroon colored change purse and offered to pay. When I opened it up gnats swam by the hundreds in some sort of nasty, brown and wine colored soup. I looked over at the maggot filled potato then back at the gnats, not in shock but with interest. I woke from there.

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DREAM: Sister in Dog Crate

Published on December 17, 2010 in Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dreams, Morton's Pride and PTSD. 0 Comments

In last nights dream I kept my sister in a dog crate on the floor with a food bowl just outside her reach. I sat in a very messy room eating a plate of food watching her paw at the bowl outside the crate. She tried to break out of the crate but I warned her that she would be hurt badly if she attempted to escape again. I planned on going over there to inflict a serious beating if she kicked the cage one more time. She calmed down and I finished my meal.

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Idiots in Smart Cars

Published on December 14, 2010 in Humor, Medical and Stupid People. 2 Comments

Great, they get like 300 miles to the gallon. Great, they’re compact and easy to park but they’re also a road hazard. When ever I see a smart car I laugh so hard at how stupid they look that I nearly wreck my car. They’re clearly a hazard to me.

You know your car is tiny when a two page magazine spread shows actual size. You know your car is too tiny when it makes a Mini Cooper look like an SUV.

The other day while driving home from my favorite art supply store a young woman in a “smart car” cut me off then slammed on her breaks in front of me. Stupid, just stupid! Don’t you know all it takes is you getting cut off by a butterfly to make that car flip 7 times? Your car is so tiny that the wind from butterfly wings could spin you out of control; still, you’re going to take a chance getting rear ended by a Nissan Sentra? Stupid!

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DJ. Fight Mode. Commando

Published on December 13, 2010 in PTSD, Relationships, Secrets and Confessions and Stupid People. 5 Comments

The other day, more than a week ago, I was sleeping on the sofa when I woke up to see a man standing over me. I jumped up off the sofa stark naked and ready to fight when I realized it was actually DJ who was in my house. Despite my vulnerable state I jumped in his face and gave him what-for because he was in my house uninvited.

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Hateful Words

Published on December 11, 2010 in Abuse, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional abuse and Mental Health. 0 Comments

He isn’t happy with me, not at all…..not happy with me at all. Things get really bad when his stuff comes up or when Dr. D addresses him personally. I want to talk to Dr. D really bad.

This has been in my head all day long. It’s been in my head while feeding the dog, while caring for the fish and the toads. No matter what I do or where I go I hear self condemnation.

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