Shit has hit the fan. You go from one idiot who wants her cat back to a full on drama. I’ll post photos and updates on her and stuff but as far as the issues surrounding her, I can no longer post those.
As for how I’m doing, I just want to double over and cry. I’m overwhelmed and maxed.
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Monthly Archive for January, 2011
Page 2 of 3
I have to go to the dentist very soon. I’ve lost a filling from the molar on the left side. The girl who helped me get to the gyn is the one who will also help with the dentist. Right now I have the option of dental gum until I can get in. Right now it doesn’t really hurt that much. The thought of going to the dentist hurts more than the tooth itself.
More than a year ago Princess Fife had her two servants drop a treadmill on about $400 worth of artwork which sent me into a homicidal rage. Two days ago I was informed I can have said treadmill. She gave it to me, not her dad or brother or husband but her. I’ve always wanted one.
The treadmill sat right smack where her servants left it back in May of 09. It sat there collecting dust beside 2 fully loaded Titleist X68 golf bags – one in red 
one in blue. The clubs are in the bags too. Eventually I’ll own the red one, I’m all but sure of it.
It’s been quiet here with Janie or as I like to call her, Miss Jane Thing. Here’s a few shots of Janie in the box my doll came in. When I got the doll I ripped open the package like I’d never gotten anything in the mail before then I made the mistake of walking away from the box at which point Janie decided it belonged to her.
I like that the lady who sold me the doll re-used packing materials. She turned Christmas paper inside out, recycled packing tissue paper and used brown paper sacks as stuffing. Kudos to her for doing that. I was even thrilled to see some pink paper in there.
Dr. D asked me how I feel about the things I wrote in my entry. I was to give names to what I feel instead of just details of what happened.
Statement: “I’ll always love you. I’d love you even if you were gay, on drugs or a murderer.”
I feel confused, a bit angry, frustrated. I’d like to know why homosexuals are grouped in with murderers. I’d like to know how she chose the three worst things in the world and I’d like to know how she, a lesbian herself, could ever be so judgmental about my sexuality. In addition to telling me she’d always love me she also told me I was killing her love for me. She told me she would one day stop loving me.
I’m frustrated and angered by the fact that she burdened me with the job of making her love me. I could either maintain it or kill it, it was all up to me how she felt. It was a burden, a depressing, sad, frustrating job at which I failed miserably. I think a good word to describe it is guilt, guilt for not being able to do something to make my mother love me. I also told Dr. D that my mother couldn’t feel love is Cupid himself shot her full of arrows, still I feel I failed her. I couldn’t show my mother that I’m worthy of love.
Friday afternoon I prepared for work with the rescue cats at the shelter. As I prepared I passed one of the small tanks which holds two African Albino Clawed Frogs. I noticed the filter wasn’t running which sort of alarmed me because I saw dollar signs. I thought, man, don’t stop now, I can’t afford to buy a filter this month. I hoped it was just a rock that stopped it or something so I lifted the filter out thinking I’d see a rock but what I saw was a small white frog. He’d been sucked into the filtration system and had his arms chopped by the rotating wheel. He was still alive. Being all white and nearly transparent I could see broken blood vessels and internal bleeding. I ended up needing to humanely euthanize him. (Orajel and freezing). This for some seems like a long drawn out process but it is faster and more humane than flushing.
When I told someone how to humanely euthanize a fish or frog they thought I was out of my mind. They thought it was odd I didn’t just flush it. Would you toss your dog or cat in the rapids and hope for a quick death? No.You’d put him down humanely and that’s what I did. Big or little, they shouldn’t have to suffer in the end.
How to humanely euthanize a frog:
There have been two things on my mind lately, one is a statement my mother made to me and the other is one of her obsessions.
For some reason this same statement keeps playing in my head: “I’ll always love you. I’d love you even if you were gay, on drugs or a murderer.” I have no idea why that statement said to me so long ago keeps playing in my head.
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