I’m still here. I’m sort of withdrawn, closed up, not really doing much outside of dealing with the kittens and therapy.
I met my new medical doctor today. I like him. He had me laughing when he described himself as pasty and ‘pigment deficient’. I told him not to worry, its okay. Poor thing, it’s no true. He’s not going to be okay. I’ve never seen the likes of it. …. anyway…. The guy is hilarious but he’s also very kind. When getting blood work done he stayed with me.
He laughed at my $20 a month alternative medicine regimen as if to say, “Why do you even bother?” I bother because that small amount works well for me.
It seems my blood pressure and both cholesterol levels are really good, no worries at all. I’ll see my rheumatologist soon as well as an appointment scheduled with gyn. We’re going to try to get me set up with a male gyn because of how difficult, nearly impossible it is for me to do that appointment with a woman.
When we went over my family history he read off the different illnesses he had down for everyone. When he got to my mother he read off the computer screen, “Sadist.” I looked at the screen in shock. I thought he was just being supportive but there are notes in my medical records. There were also fields typed in by her name: sadist and sadistic torturer. After a second or two I wanted to jump up and explain that I never wrote down that she’s a sadist. I never checked a box saying she was anything but the woman who gave birth to me.
It’s one thing to know what she is, for my therapist to know and even my doctor but to have it written in my medical records that my mother is a sadist, well, that’s taking reality to a whole different level. I’m not sure I was ready for that reality check. Which doctor wrote that? Was it in shared files from the last time I was in the loony bin or did my last long term medical doctor write that down? I guess what floors me is that I know I never wrote that in my medical records, I won’t have. So who did? It’s accurate, but damn!!!! It wasn’t one of the alters, we simply would not ever check a box like that. It just wouldn’t happen.
My head goes all over the place with this. I want to go back in and ask them to remove it. Maybe somehow she’ll find out its there. Maybe somehow it’ll get back to her and someone will hurt her because of it and it’ll be my fault because I didn’t tell them to take that out of the records. Maybe something will happen to her and it’ll be my fault. I lied and made people think she hurt me, they believed me and now she’ll suffer because I’m a liar. Man, I just want to call them back and tell the doctor that someone made a mistake in putting that in my files.
Moving on…… sleep has been difficult but fortunately I get to sleep with a bunch of fur babies. Janie has been in the house a lot more since the older kittens arrived. Felicity aka Lea is doing fine too.
Fife’s daughter was here when I got home from the doctor’s office. I haven’t seen her in about a year and is one of the first times when neither one of us wanted to draw blood from the other. It was tense but there was a tad bit of effort to act like civilized human beings.
After the short interaction with his daughter I picked a fresh salad from my little garden and ate a quite meal on the porch. I like doing that.