I experience joy but for the most part, I’m an angry person. Sometimes I enjoy sharing space but for the most part I want my space the way I want it and I want it undisturbed by noise and movement. This is where Mary Jane comes in. All this has been said before, this is nothing new. I go through this with her repeatedly knowing full well its nothing but PTSD and not at all her fault.
Monthly Archive for July, 2011
Page 2 of 3
I stopped apologizing to the family that helped me move. I wanted to apologize for existing, apologize for the amount of dust in the house, apologize for everything. I apologized twice, I think, then told them there would be no more. It’s uncomfortable for others when I over apologize but man I wanted to say it every 5 min just so they knew I realized what I burden I was being. I didn’t because it wasn’t necessary. That family, my friends, were there not out of obligation but because they wanted to be. That feels good ya know? They didn’t have to, they wanted to help.
A half dozen burned cigarettes stubbed in their tin, chubby fingers flipping pages right to left on top a white wash desk with a half broken lamp barely lighting itself. It’s Sunday, the day I take for just me, where the rest of the world is denied until I’m done catering to my inner self. This is the day the world must stand by until I’m good and ready to acknowledge its existence, or at least until Monday arrives.
I’m more than half way unpacked. While unpacking I haven’t stopped to cook a meal or anything, I’ve just eaten sandwiches and salads. The other night as I sat on the futon and picked out Chinese crunchy noodles, I was reminded of all those nostalgic times with an old girlfriend I used to traveled with. Sometimes we only traveled across town, but across town there’s a really wonderful hotel that serves free cocktails every Thursday evening. She and I checked in Wednesday, closed the curtains to shut the world out then we’d chat until all hours of the evening. We’d sing show tunes in the hot tub, dance in the room and sit down to a candle lit microwave meal and a side salad. Once Thursday evening hit it was Cosmopolitan time for me and several Tom Collins for her. After free booze it was back upstairs for more girl time. We had a blast doing that. For most of nine years she and I found a way to have mini vacations like this. Expensive? Yes, but well worth the bonding time.
There’s a sense of community here that speaks to the part of me that longs to belong to something or someone. Today a neighbor started an impromptu barbeque. Once the smoke traveled others joined in. No invitations went out, it was a given, all are invited.
Someone brought baked beans; I brought a sheet cake, plates and plastic forks. Someone else brought pork chops and another brought hamburgers, another buns. There was beer and Kool-aide. Despite the fact that there was plenty of Budweiser no one was out of control, loud or obnoxious.
It’s quiet here… uber quiet, which isn’t a complaint, just an observation. People come and go during the day but by about 8pm the place is deserted, not a soul in sight. It’s quiet here. I like that.
I’ve slept quite well. My bed is no longer on the floor so that helps quite a bit. It’s a lot more comfortable now. All the fish, plants, tanks and dolls made it without getting broken. There’s a smaller size terrarium that I can’t find but it’s entirely possible that it got put in a box someplace. Even if it’s back at Senior’s house it won’t matter. We somehow moved all those tanks, the fish, the frog and porcelain dolls without breaking them. My two person moving crew rocked!!! My little one Amy was literally in tears of relief and joy because the big tank made it. It was a huge, huge relief!!!!
Part of me wants to hide from my friend’s husband while part of me wants to hear him talk about his life a home with his mother. The whole time I saw him I had a hard time staying grounded. It was almost as if he wasn’t real. I could hear him talk, I could see him but it was as if he wasn’t real.
RECENT COMMENTS