I never thought I’d ever sit down with an offender and speak to him frankly and have him freely answer my questions. When I spoke to him I told him I didn’t need to know why but I did need to know if he understood what he put his son through. I needed to know if he understood the amount of damage he caused by his actions. I also asked if he’s repentant and if so what did he do to get to that point? It’s not enough to say you’re sorry or repentant; you have to act, move forward and away from those behaviors. What steps were taken to show repentance?
He answered my questions with honesty and I appreciate that but here’s the thing, when he told me his father molested him I felt nothing for him. Dr. D asked if I understood the connection between his victimization and subsequent status as an offender. I understand the connection. I understand that he molested his own son around the age he was when his father molested him. I understand he was trying to destroy the child he used to be, the helpless little thing with no choices in life. I understand that but I DON”T CARE. Save the psychology of it for someone else! For me, once he offended, my ability to care about his personal demons dropped to near zero.
I understand how his history affected his actions but as I told Dr. D, I am no stronger and no weaker than anyone else and I made the choice not to offend. Why couldn’t he? Why couldn’t my mother? They made a choice and did so with the same human strength I have. So when they decided to offend all bets were off. Because they are offenders it hampers my ability to fully sympathize and empathize. I know my mother’s history. I know what she went through and I DON”T CARE. I don’t care because she herself became an offender. All bets are off.
This “man” said something interesting to me. He said that society doesn’t forgive sex offenders. I told him a sex offense is an offense against society itself but society is made up of individuals. If forgiveness is going to come it’ll come from individuals not the group.
His actions have offended us all. His presence alone traumatizes survivors and threatens feelings of safety and security for families around him. It brings back what was done to us and his presence alone sparks fear in what he could do to others. He doesn’t have to say anything for his past offense to continue to damage lives. The original victim isn’t the only sufferer, all of society is. He won’t meet us all at the same time which means he’s got to go through explanations and rejection for the rest of his life. Just because his legal offense took place 20 years ago doesn’t mean he is square with society. We as individuals are now forced to look at him and know what he did then come to terms with it somehow. Our healing from his presence is on our time, not his. That’s exactly what I told him. It’s our healing on our time. This “man” is right, society doesn’t forgive sex offenders but individuals do. Even is an individual offers this he’ll still never be “one of us”. He’ll never be fully trusted or depended upon. All that changed the day he decided to abandon right for wrong.
I have to admit; the hour long conversation I had with was both healing and upsetting. The opportunity presented itself and something in me just went for it. Here’s the thing, I have one more talk that I’m going to have with him. I have one more question. I need to know how he got to the point where offending became possible. How did he reach the point where he could put his hands on his son? What was the process and finally the turning point from thought to actions? I want to know that.
I should mention, not once did this “man” blame his son or even come close to making an excuse for his actions. He was open and honest about his “past”. While I myself can sit in a room with him and talk I don’t believe there will ever be a time when I can sit in a room with my mother and talk. I could never get my questions answered by her. I think talking to him gives me an idea of what her answers to the same questions are. When it boils down to it, that’s why I’m talking to him, because I can’t talk to my mother.
J of A
My Conversation with a Sex Offender – Monday, August 08, 2011
i think in some respect you are having exactly the conversation you would have with your mother if you were able to talk to her… and although i’ve never been traumatized in the way you have, i can imagine that it could be cathartic, healing, in many ways. you have a chance to have some answers to questions that have been rolling around inside you for many years… not that the answers make a huge difference, but maybe they help you move forward on your healing path in some way?
i’m curious… does it anger you when you talk to this man? if i were in the situation i would think my anger would boil over onto him, which in some ways would be unfair to him although in other ways completely justified…
and what is the impact on all of you? i would guess that each of you maybe have a different reaction to this man and how he answers? again, i’m curious… don’t want to offend or step over any lines so feel free to tell me to shut up and go away
the last question you want to ask him is something that i have often wondered… i work for the cop shop (not a cop) and have had many interactions with offenders and victims…. i have often wondered how an abuse survivor can turn into an abuser… as a parent, i wanted everything for my kiddo that i never had… i wanted her complete happiness and no pain for her… i did not want her to suffer any of the things that i did growing up… so how is it that a victim of abuse then turns into an abuser? i don’t understand the psychology of that….
then there are the few like you… who break the cycle… move forward to a healing space… never abusing or causing harm… i have such a great deal of respect for you… you have no idea…
wow. Just wow. I am in awe of you.
As a rape survivor I have never not once even remotely approached talking to a rapist. I have never even had the desire nor is it something I would seek out. Your bravery around this astounds me. But it’s pretty much in keeping with you being the person you are, I guess.
I had the experience recently of sitting with a mother who had severely physically abused her son, who is in the hospital and may not make it. Even though the abuse occurred many years ago the effects were profound and I had just started working with him to heal.
It was indescribably poignant to sit with a parent who realized fully what she had done wrong and who would do anything to take back the years in which she was so unconscious and damaged herself that she hurt her son. And she can’t. She can’t take them back. And now he may die.
I have never before sat with someone who was the perpetrator of abuse who was fully aware of the consequences of her behavior and seen such a person sit there and try to make sense of it all, of herself, of her own past, of her actions, of her future. I cannot describe the experience or what it was like to listen as a survivor of emotional abuse myself. And strangely I was glad I was there to be a voice of…what? healing? reflection? I don’t know. I was glad I was there, that’s all.
I think it was an incredibly brave and strong thing you did. I’m not sure I’d have the ability to do the same.
In other words, “You go girl!”
Faith,
You are so brave. This is a fantastically interesting and insightful article/post. What an experience! You must have gone through a flurry of emotions and activity. How did your alters take it? Were they frightened?
I do understand everything you’re saying here, and I understand why you would spend the time looking for answers from a different source, other than your mother. I couldn’t have a conversation with my mother, either. She’s not rational, or sane, and there’s no way I would get an answer to anything – she’s a denialist.
It seems the individual you interacted with was cooperative, and had the grace and poise to be civil, open, and honest with you. That’s good for you and them, it’s healing on both sides.
It’s good for you to know that people mess up, slip up, and can still make their way back from the hell that’s going on in their heads and end the cycle of abuse, even if they were once a perpetrator.
The lines of reality, action, and thought get so blurred, and even though I have never abused anyone sexually, having been abused sexually myself, I can feel the place inside of me that would want to indulge such a thing – it’s ugly, but it’s there.
This article made me sympathize, and stop and think. But, in the same way you concluded, I would never ever ever abuse someone in that way, knowing the damage it creates – I’d end my own life first before I did that so someone, it would be less destructive.
I hope all is well with you – this is brilliant stuff.
Thanks for commenting on my blog, too. I love reading what’s on your mind, you are a very insightful, communicative, and compassionate individual.
Loves and hugs,
Penney
he sat across the room, way across the room. We had no less than 8 feet between us, besides, I was armed.