Monthly Archive for September, 2011

In Time

Published on September 27, 2011 in Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Love, Morton's Pride, Relationships and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

As I wipe away dust and fold clothes by the window I hear Jacquelyn tell me to pace myself.

I realize I’ve been gone for awhile. I look at the condition of the house and see that a 19 year old boy has occupied my home for nearly three months without taking care to clean it and without concern for the others who live in this head. At first I was irritated that so much needs to be done. Pay a few bills, do the laundry, take out the trash, wash the car (he seems to have messed that up too) and for the love of Pete get some good food in this body of ours. I can feel the difference. I can tell that a teenager has made our food choices. I don’t begrudge him though. I don’t.

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On Falling, Anger and Humor

Published on September 27, 2011 in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss and Medical. 2 Comments

I told someone just the other day not to be too hard on herself when she falls down due to complications with Fibromyalgia, yet here I am pissed big time! I think the anger has to do with knowing what’s ahead after the fall rather than being angry about the fall itself. I know the next few days, if not longer, are going to be filled with extra pain. On top of already too high of a pain level I get to deal with the pain of strained muscles and bruised arms and legs. I get to deal with headaches…and a culture clash.

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Orca Blues and Dead Brain Cells

Published on September 27, 2011 in Anger, Emotions, Pets and Relationships. 2 Comments

You know you have a problem with anger when the fish have begun to piss you off!!!

There’s a strong possibility that my anger issues have reached their pentacle. I’m just pissed. Here’s the thing, the goldfish keep throwing rocks inside the tank. They’re not little things either; they’re monstrous so when they pick up gravel (to see if it has food on it) they toss it back out of their mouths with power. A healthy fish is always swimming around looking for a tid-bit so that’s not the problem; the problem is that these big mo-fo’s toss around gravel as if no one ever told them the number one rule of living in a glass house. The noise of them ‘throwing rocks’ is much the same as the sound of some kid outside throwing pebbles at your window. Ting, ting, tink, on and on until I want to scream, “You’re not gonna be happy until your stupid asses are on the floor.”

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Picture Day

Published on September 20, 2011 in Art and Pets. 1 Comment Tags: .

Still quiet, I know. Maybe quiet isn’t the right word. I just don’t care right now. I think that describes things accurately.

Although my words are few I do have a few photos and some new artwork. Uprising and the new Sisters in the Sun painting are now listed on my art site. I destroyed the very first version of Sisters in the Sun but I have my ways of re-creating things. :-) The new version, which is very close to the old, can be found here.

The photo of me was taken by my window in my favorite reading spot.

Therapy is going fine. The apartment is wonderful. I’m living. That’s about the size of it.

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Quiet

Published on September 13, 2011 in Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 1 Comment

I know I’m kind of quiet but here’s a few things I’ve been thinking about.

First and foremost I hope my good friend Kathryn doesn’t end up in the hospital. She’s been on my mind a lot.  I know how difficult chronic pain is. Heck, it can drain you emotionally and physically then make you want to die just so it’ll all stop. My hope is that something will give for her so she can have a break. Too much, it’s just too much. I feel for her.

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Too Much to Lose

Published on September 9, 2011 in Abuse, Anxiety, Emotions, Fear and PTSD. 0 Comments

I didn’t make it in to therapy today because of body issues but we talked on the phone about dreams, girls and the sex offender I spoke with a few weeks back.

I decided not to talk to the offender again to ask him how he got to the point where he could hurt his son. I decided not to because I’m not sure I can live with the answer. While he was forthcoming and respectful the first meeting he may have had a change of heart since then. What if his answer is cruel or shocking as opposed to truthful yet tactful?

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Inner Aggression and Abuse

Published on September 9, 2011 in Abuse, Anger, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fear, Morton's Pride and PTSD. 0 Comments

Dr. D and I talked about trust and violence. We talked about how Robert is cruel and abusive towards us. He cuts and burns us regularly. Dr. D says he’s one angry, belligerent boy who should be stopped. This conversation came up after Dr. D suggested that he no longer stay seated at the end of the session but rather he wanted to walk us to the door. Let me back up. At the end of my session I ask for two things. I want a 5 min warning that the session is about to end and I want him to stay seated while I leave. I don’t want him to walk me to the door, open it and escort me out. Some see it as walking me out but I see it as escorting me out, throwing me out and abandoning me. There’s more to it than that but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Dr. D’s suggestion caused serious upset. Because some of us were frightened by the suggestion Robert became aggressive and abusive towards me and others inside. He was so angry that we showed fear and upset. Because we did he wanted to make us hurt and hurt bad.

Inner Aggression and Abuse – Saturday, September 03, 2011-1:43am EST