I didn’t make it in to therapy today because of body issues but we talked on the phone about dreams, girls and the sex offender I spoke with a few weeks back.
I decided not to talk to the offender again to ask him how he got to the point where he could hurt his son. I decided not to because I’m not sure I can live with the answer. While he was forthcoming and respectful the first meeting he may have had a change of heart since then. What if his answer is cruel or shocking as opposed to truthful yet tactful?
A long time ago I asked my mother why she chose dowel rods to use on us kids. From that one question I learned to never ask a question if I can’t live with the answer. I’m not so sure asking this man this one last question is worth the risk. What if the answer is something I can’t deal with? I felt I could handle it if he said he’s not sorry about hurting his son. I felt I could handle it if he was an ass and blamed everyone for his actions. I expected it, but this last question is different. I’m just not sure that I want to risk listening to his answer.
Here’s the other thing, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of giving an offender and opportunity to be helpful on my healing path. Assistance with healing, be it from a friend or therapist, is a gift. We offer trust to those who help us on our healing path. To sit in front of him and listen to his answer is to trust him with my emotions. Can I trust that he’ll be careful and not destructive? Am I willing to risk emotional upset for an answer to a question better directed at my mother?
Mama, how long did it take to tear away your moral boundaries and what was the turning point between thought and action?
If you want to get to the heart of the matter I think my real question is this: What did I do or say that changed things? Was it an outfit, a word, the way I walked or something I didn’t do that I should have done?
Even if I had an answer concerning her turning point or if I had something to do with it I still wouldn’t be able to go back and change anything. And an answer from him isn’t going to help me either; as a matter of fact it could be harmful. I could be in for a slap in the face the same as I was with my mother concerning her use of dowel rods. I don’t think its that good of an idea to speak to this man further. I have too much to lose if things go sour and too much to lose by entertaining the idea that I could have changed her or stopped the abuse in some way.
Too Much to Lose-Thursday, August 25, 2011-2:09am EST