……… My mother isn’t a mystery to me nor is she one dimensional. She is concrete which makes her a lot easier to me angry with.
Mother anger issues:
I have more memories of her than any other family member; including my older sister which may be one reason my anger towards her is stronger than other family members.
I was intrigued by her. I thought she was larger than life only to find out she was just another sadist in a dress.
I feel lied to. I feel as if my childhood was filled with lies by her and that I’m just now unraveling them and finding the truth. Each truth I find seems to bring up a little more anger for her.
My final thought on this is what I feel other than anger. I feel stupid for having been brainwashed and abused to the extent I was. I feel stupid, maybe even weak for accepting her word that I have no value as a human being and that I’m unimportant. I feel stupid for needing to work on abuse issues at age 40 and stupid for saying “this hurts.” It’s almost as if I can hear her tell me it wasn’t that bad. I still question myself and that makes me angry too.
The art therapy piece that accompanies this entry is called Family Tree. It shows the very first known person in my family to have abused his children. He is linked to me by an extended penis that attaches to my feet. My mother is the large black figure supporting him as she is speared through the head by one of the branches from the tree. Each branch symbolizes a generation and its off spring. The piece shows me on all fours in front of an empty dog food bowl.
Color significance: yellow in my art therapy pieces usually stands for cowardly behaviors. It is a symbol of weakness, filth and deplorable acts. The color black has come to mean that something or someone is hollow, empty or lifeless. Red stands for strength, stamina, self worth and positive inner feelings. Blue and shades of purple symbolize birth rights such as the right to feel safe. I had a birth right to feel safe. It is a birth right to not be abused. It is a birth right to eat, sleep, drink and have life basics. Since I was told I was a dog and treated as such, the piece shows me down like a dog in front of an empty blue bowl.
A Face to My Anger Part 2 – Saturday, December 24, 2011
A Face to My Anger Pt1- Saturday, December 24, 2011
I agree, your mother deserves the brunt of your anger even if others were the worst abusers. She failed in every way to protect her own child from the evil of others and her own evil ways. I’m most angry at my mother too.
The artwork you drew is very powerful. I do hope you find some healing from letting it out.
Hey there you! I’ve missed everyone so much.
Yes, she deserves your anger. I’m glad you’re able to express it…
I’ll agree with the others. My mother wasn’t my main abuser, but she enabled the rest of them. She was a freaking guidance couselor for crap sakes.
Ugh, can’t get into it now. Gotta take some pain meds, my mouth is killing me.